


I'm Going To See The Folks I Dig

by Waterloo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Hogwarts Era, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Marauders, POV Remus Lupin, Recreational Drug Use, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin Raises Harry Potter, Wales, Welsh Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24174466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waterloo/pseuds/Waterloo
Summary: She winked at him, “And you have to admit it, we were both pretty fecking outstanding.”Remus Lupin is perfectly fine with placing his life in Lily Evans' scarily capable hands. He just wants to live up to her legacy, and make her proud.A story about family and friendship in three acts.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 42
Kudos: 275





	I'm Going To See The Folks I Dig

**Author's Note:**

> When i should be writing the next chapter of my WIP but instead write twenty eight thousand random words about Remus Lupin. Anyway, I love Lily Evans and Remus Lupin with my whole heart as always.  
> I hope you enjoy x
> 
> Title from Joni Mitchell's 'California'  
> All mistakes are mine and i'm sorry for them.

**Prologue: A Clarification About One Lily Jane Evans**

Lily Evans (who hadn't ever changed her name to Potter legally, _thank you very much_ , and didn't understand why wizarding society was so adamant that she _had_ and she _swears to God Remus, if they keep calling me that I'm going to--_ ) had never been a calm person. 

If Remus was forced to pick a word, he would pick frenetic. If Lily ever heard him describing her as such, he would also proceed to run very, very far in the opposite direction in fear for his life. 

It wasn't that Lily was a threatening person. No. She was as kind as the day was long. It's just that the particular day happened to be in the dead of winter. 

"I don't understand why I should have to be kind" She had scowled at him once, when he'd taken her to the forest to cool down after a row with her roommate Bathsheda about Lily's 'attitude' "And I _am_ kind, anyway. Everyone expects me to be gentle because I'm a girl. When people call me mean what they actually want to say is that I'm not being a doormat like they want" 

She had cast a _bombarda_ at a stone, which had burst into pieces. 

"And anyway, they don't call me _mean._ They call me a _bitch_. Because I'm a girl and a muggleborn and I have an opinion. I'm a bitch. Sirius is rude all the time and no one calls _him_ a bitch" 

"Well" Remus had said calmly "You call him a bitch three times a week" 

And Lily had looked at him sideways with her 'you got me there' grin and said, "Well maybe I wouldn't if he'd stop being such a bitch all the time" and Remus had laughed. 

That had been in fourth year. They'd stayed out for another hour after, Lily destroying the natural beauty of the Scottish countryside and ranting about misogyny and Remus laughing at her, calling her out for blatant hypocrisy, and daydreaming about Sirius' hair when Lily's rants got repetitive. 

When he reflected on it, he really had spent a lot of his school career daydreaming about Sirius' hair while Lily ranted about something in the background. 

The fact of the matter was, Lily Evans was the sort of person his mother would refer to as a 'force of nature' and then joyfully demand she be invited round for tea. He knew this as a fact, because Lily had spent half of the summer after Sixth year at Remus home in the Brecon beacons blasting Joan Jett with his mother in the kitchen. 

She was frenetic. Boisterous. Opinionated. Everything, she had informed him, that society hated to see in an otherwise promising young woman. 

So, when she banged on his bedroom window at four in the morning with all her hair piled on top of her head and a determined look on her face, he didn't even ask where she'd stolen the broom from. He just opened the window and let the storm roll in. 

**Act One: Brotherhood or Sisterhood or Whatever. 1979-1981**

  1. **On Broom Security and Nebulous Ownership of One's Possessions**



"Lily" Remus said, because he had let her in without questions and now he was going to let loose "If you took James' broom and flew here he may divorce you" 

Lily laughed. She looked manic in a sleep deprived way. Also, slightly manic in a hospitalisation way. The ratty Bowie t-shirt paired with the banana patterned skirt wasn't helping the look. 

"James wouldn't divorce me even if I murdered him" She said, and she had a point "And it's Sirius' anyway" 

"Oh" Remus said, because it had only been a week and he hadn't expected his name to come up so blasé. As if it wasn't _Sirius._ As if Remus wasn't over here pretending the man had died at sea just so he could get up in the morning without screaming for twelve hours a day. "Oh. Well he will kill you. For sure" 

"Sorry" Lily said, biting her lip. Her green eyes were wide, and she was looking at him like he might burst into tears "I'm a right twat. I forgot" 

"Really?" He said, dryly. Lily had sat with him for five hours on the night it had happened. By hour two, she was crying as well. By hour three she had demanded he crack open the tin with the weed in. He'd brought the biscuit tin as well, just in case. 

"Well I mean, I didn't forget" She backtracked "I forgot just now but I didn't _forget_ , forget" 

"Whatever" Remus said, waving his hand. Because if he thought about it, he was going to start crying again and he hadn't gone to his dealer, Fabian Prewett, and gotten anymore weed since Monday. "Lily. Its four in the morning." 

"Is it? " She said, innocent as afternoon tea. Then she didn't say anything else. 

**"** Lils" Remus deadpanned "I love you, but get on with it or get out of my flat so I can try and get back to sleep " 

"Oh, like you have anything to do tomorrow, layabout" She joked, rolling her eyes and going to walk into his living room. She hadn't said anything about the clutter in his room. James was constantly complaining about how much of a slob she herself was. 

He laughed sharply, shoving her shoulder lightly as he followed her "Oh yeah, let me just go solve a hundred years of werewolf discrimination. I'll be right on the ministry career track then" 

"Yeah, yeah" She breezed, flopping backwards onto his ratty, marijuana scented settee, "Woe is the wolf" 

"Let's start that band" He intoned, sitting on her legs. She kicked him, laughing. 

"Help, help! There's a class XXXX beast attacking me" she cried, laughing as she tried to buck him off. 

"Yeah" he mocked "He attacked me after I so innocently broke into his flat, the crazed sleep deprived beast!" But he got up so she could tuck her legs up and plopped back onto the sofa. Her feet fell immediately into his lap and didn't move even when he shoved half-heartedly at them. 

"If you came here for a foot rub, I'll have to inform you that I'm not your husband" He drawled. 

She gave a signature Lily Evans cackle, full volume with head thrown back and all. "No, he's at home with _your_ husband" She winced "Sorry. Forgot" 

"You're very forgetful today, Evans" He said, flicking her foot. _Will not think about it, will not think about it._

"I'm pregnant" She said, looking for all the world as if she had announced she was going out for milk. 

"Fuck off" He said, mouth gaping. 

"Nah" She scratched her nose, not meeting his eyes. 

"You idiot" he said, laughing incredulously. 

"Yeah" She let out a big sigh "I'll admit it was proper fecking stupid of me. Like, absolute tosser move from Lily Evans on this front" 

"So, you're what. Going to have a bloody baby?" He said, still incredulous. 

"No" She said, sarky as you like "I thought I might give birth to a chimpanzee. Yes, Remus. I'm going to have a baby."

He batted her hand away when she went to flick his ear. They both sat in silence for a long moment, contemplating. 

"Well you've gone and bollocksed that one up haven't you" Remus said. 

"Oh, very reassuring" She huffed "What marvellous bedside manner you have there, Healer Lupin" 

"Oi, you're the one that wanted to be the Healer, not me" He pointed out, she shrugged. There hadn't been time for dream careers since Hogwarts. That was what wars did, he supposed. "What did James say?" 

She dodged eye contact again, looking instead at the stack of Defence Periodical he had accumulated on his coffee table (read: 'transfigured cardboard box'). 

He noticed that she had stuck a pen into her hair at some point. And what looked like half a Tunnock’s bar. 

"Lily" He prompted. 

"Well. I haven't actually told him" She said finally, wincing "I literally took the test, flew here, sat down, blah blah you were there for the rest" 

"Why come here?" He laughed. 

"Marlene's in hiding" She shrugged, then frowned "Actually I’d probably still come here because she can be right judgy when she wants to be. Not that you're hardly better on that front" She gave him a pout "Anyway it's not like—" She cut herself off, then said sheepishly "Well maybe if I thought Sirius was here and might tell James I wouldn't have come" 

"But he's at yours probably canoodling with Jamie right now" He said. _Don't think about him, don't think about him._

"You joke. He literally slept in our bed that first night" She looked at him head on "He was really upset, Rem" 

"Well this isn't about me, is it" Remus said, managing to only half snap which he thought was admirable. "Why does it matter if James knows? It's not like you've cheated on him" 

"God no" She shuddered "The only people I see are you four boys and the cat. Sirius is gay as a, well, you _know._ You're _far_ too high maintenance for an affair and let's face it, I'm not sleeping with Pete" 

"Gee Lily. Tell us how you really feel" He shoved her legs again and she scoffed. 

"Like I'd cheat on James! You know it's not a question" he raised his eyebrow, asking plainly for her to come out with it already. She sighed "Alright. Well. It's _just_ " 

She started biting her thumb. Remus had been close with her for almost seven years. He knew that biting her thumb usually coincided with her receiving a letter from Petunia. That meant high stress. 

"It's only, this wasn't meant to happen" She cried, and Remus was worried for a second she might start crying. She didn’t, however. Instead she threw his one and only throw cushion very hard at the floor with a squeal of rage. He worried for his downstairs neighbours "We've never not used the goddamn charm!" 

"It's only 98% effective" Remus said weakly. Scared she might start blasting things in his apartment. 

"I know that!" She cried, throwing her arms up "What am I meant to do, _not_ have sex with my husband?" 

"Don't get married at nineteen?" He suggested, laughing. 

"Oh, shut up. You were a bridesmaid if I recall" She slumped suddenly; all the anger gone from her "I wanted to marry him. I have since fifth year" 

"In fifth year, you told me you wouldn't go out with him if he was the last man on earth _and_ he gave you all the money in his vault" Remus said, disbelieving. 

"I'm a complex being" She muttered, picking at a seam in her skirt. 

"You're a contrarian, more like" He said, and she clicked at him disapprovingly. 

"I liked getting married young. But we always said we would wait to have kids. You know. We're wizards. We have decades. We were going to spend a few being absolute reckless hellions, smoking weed and staying out in Camden and saving the world" 

"Drugs, music and intimidating academic excellence!" Remus said, weakly giving the cry they'd mockingly taken up in seventh year. 

"The golden fucking rule" She said bitterly. She put a hand to her abdomen, as if unconscious of the gesture "And when I was forty, I'd pop out a few sprogs and get you two to babysit" She looked around the flat with a sad eye, letting out a loud sigh "Separately, I guess" 

Remus refused to acknowledge the dig. 

"But you're pregnant now" Remus said simply. "I can go with you to get an abortion?" 

She nodded silently. Remus had only brought it up so bluntly because she had always been the one to tout long lectures about reproductive freedom. But she looked torn. 

Remus sighed, putting on his big-boy best friend pants. He leaned over and tug lily's hand, tugging at her until she looked him in the eyes "Hey, come on. Do you want this kid? And I mean, do you want this kid more than you're shit scared of it?" 

Someone else might have had eyes brimming with tears. But Lily was dry eyed as ever. A right bitch, someone might call her. Right before they got punched in the face. 

Lily wasn't lacking emotion. She was brimming with it. It's just that she let it fuel her, instead of letting it weigh her down. 

"Yes." She whispered, because really only she needed to hear it "I want this baby" 

Remus smiled glancing once at her stomach which was hiding an unknown future from them all "Well. Then fuck off and go tell your husband you ninny" 

  1. **ii** _._ **Avoiding Your Same Sex Ex at a Christening and Other Holy Tips**



"Why on earth are you Christening Harry, anyway, you weirdo?" Remus said, passing the blunt back to her and wincing when he knocked his funny bone into a shelf. 

She blew the smoke directly at his face with a scowl. He waved it frantically at the small window. "James' parents are Christians, god knows why, and they're probably going to die any day now, so this is what we in the daughter-in-law business call being the bloody best" 

"You're smoking weed in the maintenance cupboard of a church" Remus deadpanned, even as he blew a mouthful of smoke out himself. "You aren't exactly mother of the year" 

"More like mother of the fucking century. Anyway, James won't let me smoke at home, you know that" She glanced up at the smoky ceiling of the cupboard, then vanished it with a flick of her wand. "You still know that charm, right?" 

"Bibbity bobbity, no weed smell on us Professor McGee, oh _no_ " He mocked, stubbing out the roach and flicking his wand with practiced ease. The smell and the smoke vanished. 

"What, my dear husband?" Lily said in a mock breathy voice "Recreational drug use? In my good Christian home? How dare you!"

"Last weak you said the phrase 'mother fucking Jesus Christ' three times in a row just because you stubbed your toe" He pointed out. “I thought James’ parents were Hindu?”

“Just because they’re Indian doesn’t make them Hindu, idiot. The Potter’s have been Christian for generations.” She pointed out, reaching for the door handle. "And I covered Harry's ears first"

"Mother of the year" He said sarcastically, following her out of the cupboard. 

James stood leaning against the corridor wall opposite them. He raised his eyes "If I was a jealous man…" 

"If I was a jealous woman, I'd think you and Sirius had been screwing me around for years" Lily said, standing on her tip toes to kiss James deeply. 

He kissed her back, but pulled away and gave her a disapproving glance, despite the poorly kept grin "You taste like weed, dear wife" 

Lily spun on her feet with a huff "Remus!" 

"What?" he held up his hands "it gets rid of the smell! How was I to know you'd snog your husband before having a mint" 

"Leading people down dark paths, as always, Lupin" A voice drawled, and Sirius came around the corner. He looked too fucking good for a christening Remus thought, chest clenching. All pinstriped suit and perfect hair. That stupid perfect hair. 

Sirius looked him over briefly, but his face gave no expression away. Maybe he thought Remus looked like a troll in his navy suit. 

"As always" Remus volleyed weakly, and they acknowledged each other with cordial smiles. God. Being friends with your ex was fucking with Remus' head. 

"Oi" Sirius said, interrupting James and Lily's snogging "Teen parents over there, I've got some news. It's shit as always." 

Lily and James broke apart, both looking at Sirius with full attention despite Lily's slightly red eyes. Remus stared at Sirius too, but his mildly hazy thoughts kept swaying to the shade of his eyes. 

"What?" James asked sharply. "Is everyone okay" 

"Attack on muggle London. The muggle press called it a bomb" Sirius said, frowning. Despite his name Remus didn't think being serious suited his face. All Remus wanted was to see that nose crinkle with laughter. To see his mouth shaped around a teasing retort or a stupid thought. But as the weeks went by Sirius was frowning more than he joked. 

"Fuck" James breathed "Fucking, fuck" 

"How many dead?" Lily asked, high gone easily to the hardened soldier in them all. 

"Eighteen" Sirius said grimly. 

"Jesus Christ" Remus whispered. 

Sirius looked at him with an odd frown "We're in a church" he pointed out. 

Remus scowled "People are dead" 

"I know that. Don't you think I know that?" Sirius said darkly. "Bella was involved, apparently" 

"How do you know?" 

"Dumbles was on the scene. He's in the church holding an impromptu order meeting in the pews."

James and Lily shared a look "We have got to get friends who aren't vigilantes" James sighed. 

"Who has Harry?" Lily asked suddenly, her voice went high pitched "You're the three people I trust with him and you're all here. Unless my son is in your back fucking pocket Black I am going to—" 

"He's with Fleamont" Sirius said, holding his hands up defensively and looking effectively cowed "Sorry I thought you wouldn't mind" 

Lily huffed, storming passed Sirius and into the main church. Sirius looked at James bewildered. James shrugged. 

"He's our kid and its war time. You two _are_ literally all that we trust" 

"And Pete" Remus pointed out. 

James nodded "Oh yeah. And Pete" 

"Come on" Remus said, and awkwardly aborted the movement he made to grab Sirius' hand and drag him along. "Let's go become godfathers" 

"Come on Remus" Sirius rolled his eyes. "We've talked about this. _Dogfathers_ " 

"Oh, I fucking hate you both" James sighed, but he was laughing as he flung his arms around them both and dragged them into church. 

**iii. Four Funerals and another Funeral, too.**

_Remus,_

_Marlene's dead. Get over here or I'll kill you too._

_Bring vodka._

_Lily._

"James" Remus said, looking at him through his fringe. His hair had grown too fucking long on his mission. "How late am I?" 

"Only a day" James grimaced; his dark skin was flushed with emotion. He always went red when he was upset "Got to ask. What was the first thing I said to you about Lily Evans?" 

"She stood on the coffee table in the common room to give a speech about how divination wasn't a real subject. We were in third year. You turned to me and said, 'I don't care what _she_ says, but we're written in the stars'. She heard and threw her Divination book at your head"

James' grimace turned upwards slightly at the memory. But he didn't move to let Remus in. 

"What did you say to Sirius and me to get us together?" Remus asked, proud his voice didn't croak. He hated these fucking questions they'd picked and how they'd never got around to changing them. 

"I told you you were ruining my mashed potatoes by being such idiots with your feelings. Then Sirius threw mashed potato at me and dragged you off to snog" James said quietly, frown back in full force "And I'd say the same now" 

"We both have violent loves" Remus quipped, then realised what he'd admitted too, and pushed past James into the house. 

"She's downstairs." James sighed. "She's been crying for hours" 

Remus nodded, and held his tongue so as not to ask if Sirius was here, lurking somewhere. 

He headed down into the basement. It was a dingy, damp room. It had the old sofa they'd had before they could afford one without springs sticking out of it, a load of old boxes, and a beanbag that talked if you sat on it. 

Lily was curled up on the sofa. She wasn't crying. Instead she was staring blankly at the floor, bottle of cheap muggle vodka dangling from her fingers. She looked half dead. 

Remus didn't say anything. He walked over to the settee and toed his shoes off, then he climbed over her and squashed himself behind her, wrapping himself around her body. 

She didn't make a sound for a long time, and then she let out a low croak. As if she hadn't used her voice for a while. It was followed by a rattling sob. 

Remus took the vodka from her, swigged a large gulp, and then passed it back. He buried his head into her tangled hair, hoping he might simply forget to exist if he couldn't see anything. 

"She's dead" Lily said, voice broken. "They're all dead" 

Remus heart hurt. Marlene had been a part of their lives for nine years. She had baked Remus a cake for his fourteenth birthday. Turned everything crimson in the common room pink for Valentine's day. Been Remus first kiss. She had laughed afterwards, both of them having scrunched their noses up as if undertaking a great task. She'd informed him she was pretty sure she liked girls, and he had told her about his stupid undying love for Sirius and then they'd put _Abbey Road_ on and talked about how stupid feelings were for the rest of the night. 

"He cut her fucking throat" Lily sobbed "With a _severing_ charm" 

Remus focused on the swirl of black behind his eyelids. Focused on how his optic nerves danced as they adjusted to the change of lights. He focused on the smell of Lily's hair- a mix of old shampoo and grease and her own special Lily scent. Cotton and oak trees. He focused on how if he opened his eyes, all he would see would be Lily's mass of red hair, and he wouldn't have to face the world at all. 

"Does Dorcas know?" Remus asked, his voice scraping against his throat on its way out. 

Lily just sobbed and Remus held her tighter. He didn't shush her or try and say anything comforting. She wouldn't appreciate it. 

"She's on a mission" Lily said. "She doesn't even know that her girlfriend’s dead because she’s out fucking over the very guy who killed her" 

"Maybe she will kill him. Dorcas is fucking scary" Remus whispered. 

"She won't. None of us will" Remus had never heard her sound so defeated. Not in the three years since they had joined the order and started to actively fight. "He'll keep killing us all. One by one" 

"Not us" Remus said, because he was twenty and allowed to think he was special if he wanted to "It won't be us" 

"It _wouldn't_ have been Marlene" Lily sobbed "And then it _was_. She's dead. Dead in a shallow grave with her little brothers and her mam and I can't even go to the funeral because I had a stupid baby in the middle of a war like an _idiot_ , and I'm stuck here" 

"Harry isn't stupid" Remus admonished. 

Lily laughed wetly "No he isn't. But I am. I shouldn't have had him" 

"Lily" Remus said, shocked "Don't say that" 

"No. It's right. We put everyone in danger. Especially him" She spat bitterly "He could _die,_ Rem. My baby. My baby was brought into a world where he could be murdered. Every time I put him in his cradle I think, well maybe tonight he'll come, and he'll kill you and all I could do would be to scream."

"He won't find you" Remus said, but it was more desperate than sure. 

"There's a mole in the order and my family is target number one" she said, shaking "That stupid prophecy. He's six fucking moths old" 

"I won't let him hurt you. I won't let him hurt Harry" Remus said, uselessly. 

Lily sighed. She shifted around in his arms, and he had to pull his face out of her hair, blink slightly in the half-light spilling from upstairs. 

She faced him now, the both of them length ways on the sofa like kids. 

"That's the thing Remus. We keep talking like it's a matter of good enough, care enough. Did Marlene not care? Did her brothers? They cared. They vowed to each other. They weren't less loving than you or me, than our friends. They wanted to live just as much. And they died anyway. It isn't a matter of want it enough. Not in the face of a man like Voldemort" She looked at him steadily, blinking slowly through her stream of tears as if they weren't there "He doesn't value _life_ , Rem. Basic human life. He'll discard it and discard it, like it's nothing. He'll rip us apart in his harvest. He won't care. And we can't just _care enough_ and stop him" 

She hiccupped. 

"My family is going to die. And neither of us can stop that" 

Remus just stared at her. And then he started crying in earnest too. 

"Give me the vodka" He said, curling into her body like a child. 

"Vodka is the only good thing" She said hysterically through her sobs. 

  1. **iv**. **Or How One of Us Could Stop That.**



Lily had never been the consummate know-it-all. Sure, she did in fact _know it all_ , but she didn't fit the archetype. She smoked too much. Her first response to many things was to drink it away. She had a tendency to bluff her way through any argument even if she realised two sentences in that she was actually wrong. 

Lily wasn't not in Ravenclaw because of her bravery. She wasn't in Ravenclaw because she was the epitome of reckless idiot. 

But there was one way that she fit the stereotype perfectly. When Lily Evans needed answers, she went to the library. 

"Lily" Remus admonished in a fierce hiss "You. Are. In. Hiding" 

"I went in the cloak. Plus, I used that tunnel that only you lot know about, and I went at night. No one saw me." She shrugged, rolling his eyes. "And it was Hogwarts, not a death eater lair. If I got caught, I'd get a slap on the wrist from McGee and then go home" 

"Still" Remus said, even though he could hardly argue. 

Lily had shown up late that night (as in past two AM as per) with her usual manic expression. He'd been almost scared she was pregnant again, but that had been quickly established as not to be true. 

"I think I have a plan" She'd said, after crawling through his window. She dumped a stack of books onto his bedsheets and cambered in next to him. 

Remus frowned at the books now. They were all old, that was obvious. And if he was any good at being a swot he would place them as restricted books. 

"Pince will kill you if she doesn't get those back" 

"I have lots of people trying to kill me. Add her to the pile" She waved her hand about haphazardly, as if swotting imaginary adversaries. "Like I said, plan" 

Marlene had died three months ago. Lily had been dramatic ever since with her need for a 'plan'. She was content no longer to sit by and let Dumbledore be her only hope. 

"Yeah. Care to fill me in?" He said, sighing. He knew he should be more excited, but he'd hardly gotten to sleep before she'd come and knowing Lily, he wouldn't be going to sleep any time soon. One was allowed to be huffy, one thought. 

"Not on all of it. James knows some, you know some, Sirius knows a little. Pete knows what we need him to." She ticked them off one by one. 

"And you know it all" Remus finished "Smart or stupid, you decide" 

"Smart" Lily insisted "This was if any of you betray me--" 

"I would never betray you" Remus yelled. 

"Well, of course not _you_. Jesus. James would betray me before you would, swot" Lily rolled her eyes. 

"But you think one of us would?" Remus demanded, still shocked. 

Lily looked at him seriously. "You have to understand, Remus. I brought Harry into this world. He's _my_ tiny little mistake. If anything happened to him, it wouldn't be like losing you, or Marlene. Or even Jamie. It would be like dying. I would die. If I lost my baby, Remus, I wouldn't be able to live after. Do you understand? I'm not fighting the same war as you. I'm not fighting to live. The day I gave birth to my baby, I started fighting for him. I don't care if I die. And I need you to hear this, I will mourn every one of your deaths before I let a hand touch Harry. Do you understand me?" 

_Lily Evans is an outstanding bitch._ That's what the Slytherin girls in their year had painted across the fat-lady portrait. Lily Evans, outstanding bitch. When Lily had seen it, all she'd done was to laugh brightly. Then gotten rid of it so the fat lady would stop shrieking about her varnish. 

But Remus knew Lily. She wasn't an outstanding bitch. She was just outstanding. She out stood everyone she met, would out stubborn any person who challenged her, was happy to outshine every person that neared her. Had it bothered her? Had she cried alone after cleaning it up? 

" _Lily Evans is an outstanding bitch_. Do you remember?" He said quietly. 

"Yes" She answered immediately, which said more about her feelings on the event then she'd ever expressed. 

"Sometimes I'm scared of you, did you know?" Remus said, smiling slightly. 

She lent gently against his headboard "Yeah. Everyone sort of is" she looked at him curiously "Was that you telling me you think I'm an outstanding bitch?" 

He laughed "No. That was me telling you they were all wrong. Every single one of them who thought they knew you. You've never been a bitch, not ever" 

"Maybe a little bit" She held up her thumb and forefinger, pinching them teasingly. 

"Well maybe a little for both of us" He conceded, laughing. "Mostly we're outstanding, though" 

"You did break Sirius' heart in a very bitch way" Lily pointed out, looking at him sideways. "Kicking him out and all" 

"Well that wasn't very outstanding of me" Remus admitted, wincing. That was uncalled for, especially for this early in the morning. 

"You still never explained."

"I explained" he protested. 

"You waved your hand about, said 'ughhhh' and then got out your weed" 

"You asked me to get out the weed!" 

"Thought you might become looser lipped, so to speak" 

"Devious intentions" Remus pointed. 

"Well it didn't work" Lily rolled her eyes. 

They were silent for a moment. 

"I'm no good for him" Remus said eventually, voice quiet. Lily went to speak and before she could he added "And we don't work. Not anymore" 

"Why, though?" Lily demanded, a slight whine of frustration in her voice. 

"Because I can't be here every day waiting for the Patronus that tells me he's _dead_ " Remus half-yelled "He was constantly coming back from mission’s half-way to dead. All these stories about him throwing himself into fights. He's so fucking reckless. And I love him for it, but _God_. I'm not a fucking Saint. It took its toll. And he was looking at me like I was a goddamn traitor for just following Dumbledore’s _orders_. Because I'm still an overqualified werewolf who can't get a job and lives off their mother’s meagre inheritance! Pick a reason Lily" He breathed heavily "Pick a fucking reason" 

"How about the fact that you love each other?" Lily said calmly, unphased by Remus' outburst. "You've been in love with the dramatic idiot since you were, what, twelve?" 

"Thirteen" Remus corrected reproachfully. 

"Hm. Big diff." She rolled her eyes "You're an idiot. He's miserable without you. You should fix this" 

"Not any time soon" Remus sighed "I'm exhausted. I don't know if I have time for being in a relationship with everything Dumbledore’s got me doing. Maybe when I have more time" 

"You mean when the war ends" Lily snorted, then looked pensive "If it ever bloody does. I thought I was lucky to catch you at home" 

"Especially without owling first, nitwit" He said, flicking her lightly in the ear. Then he frowned. "Hey! What the heck. You can't just come into my room and trick me into talking about feelings, you minx. What are you actually here for?" 

Lily looked slightly sheepish. She glanced at the scattered pile of books denting the duvet. Remus reached for one, curious. _Blood: Curses, Inheritance and Lineage_ by H. F. Mintumble 

"Er" Remus said, flicking through it gingerly. There were a lot of pictures of knives and such "Lily?" 

"Right" She said, dragging out the word "I have this plan" 

He picked up another text. _Adroit_ _Solutions for Afflicted Lords_ by Abraxes Malfoy, the first. 

"Lily?" He laughed slightly, holding up the book "James having troubles?" 

She took the book of him, rolling her eyes "James is fine. I just wanted to look for something" 

"What?" He said, with interest. 

"Well I thought." She winced "First I thought: well what do old families do when there isn't an heir to carry on the family name? And a lot of it is all, you know, the daughter gives one of her kids the family name, distant cousins etc. But then I was reading about Salazar Slytherin—"

"As you do" Remus teased. 

"I'm non-discriminatory with my reading list" She grinned. "Anyway, I realised: Slytherin has descendants, right? But he never had any living kids. His first wife and kid were killed by muggles. So, I thought, is it all bullshit? Then I read that what he actually did was adopt a kid. Well yeah, I thought, I'm all about family meaning more than blood" As they both were "But genetically, that still means no descendants of ole Salazar." She took a breath. " _Then_ the book said that some old families would perform a ritual when there wasn't a direct heir, so that their bloodline could continue." She looked at Remus warily "And basically I found out you can _make_ someone a part of your bloodline" 

Remus nodded slowly. That made the book titles make sense. He picked up the final one cautiously. _Rites of Darke Results and Greate Utility._ The book had no author stated anywhere. It looked a couple hundred years old. When he opened it a cloud of dust came out, forming a small pentagram in the air. 

"That is some Satan shit" Remus said, slowly. 

"Yeah" Lily said, awkwardly "That's not exactly a book I'm supposed to have" 

"Potter library or Sirius connections?" Remus asked, because this wasn't a book you could get even from the restricted section of the Hogwarts library. 

"Sirius connections" She said sheepishly. 

"You're mental" He laughed "What's the plan, o sorceress of olde?" 

She smiled back, but she looked nervous. "Well. I want to make you part of my bloodline" 

Remus blinked at her. Then he blinked again. Then he picked up a pillow and sighed deeply into it. When he finally looked at her, it was with deep scepticism "Why the fuck?" 

"It's for Harry. Like, extended godfather duties?" She said this hopefully, but when he didn't bite, she sighed "So, I wasn't just looking into blood magic on a whim. I have this… plan. It’s a contingency plan, and it will only happen if something really bad happens" She looked at him intently "Like something awful, you understand? So, I have this plan, and it could keep Harry safe. And I've done that, the thing I needed to do to protect Harry. But what I need from you isn't about now. It's about after."

"You aren't making any sense" Remus said softly. 

Lily nodded, eyes wet "I know. But I literally can't tell you anymore. These fucking olde rituals" She buried her head in her hands for a second, making an exasperated sound "I really need you to do this Rem" 

"What would it mean for me?" Remus asked, cautious. 

She looked at him hopefully "Basically nothing important. It would make us related. Like I'd literally have adopted you into my blood. But you would still be related to your parents and nothing would change except that magic would be able to recognise us as related" 

"Like siblings?" Remus said. 

She smiled softly "Which we basically are, right? We even have the same bitchy attitude" 

"The freckles" Remus joked. 

"You definitely got the smarts from me" She said sagely. 

"Hey!" 

"I'm older than you" She shrugged, in a 'what can you do' way. 

He chuckled, but then went quiet. He thought deeply. "So, the biggest downside is I'd be related to Petunia?" 

He'd met Petunia Evans once, at the wedding. She had been less than spectacular, to say the least. 

"Literally the only downfall." Lily nodded, desperately. 

Remus sighed. But what could you do? "For family, right?" He teased, nudging her. 

She broke out into a big grin. She looked as young as she actually was, for just a moment. Instead of the war-weary mother she had become. "You'll do it?" 

"Do we have to sacrifice a goat?" Remus asked, suddenly worried. He was half joking, though. 

Lily, however, winced. 

"Oh, my lord" He said, flopping dramatically backwards "You are too damn much Lily Evans" 

  1. **In Which Tragedy Befalls the House**



They'd jokingly added Evans as one of his middle names. That had been the last time they'd hung out together. James had promised to look after Harry for the night and he and Sirius had giggled their way through transforming Lily into an unrecognisable woman. 

"The green hair is a bit much, wankers!" She'd cried from the bathroom while they giggled on the floor. Harry had shrieked with mirth, the way he always did when they laughed even if he couldn't understand the joke himself. 

And when, five firewhiskeys to the wind, Lily and Remus had owled the ministry with a change of name form amidst heaps of giggles, Sirius had looked on with baffled amusement. 

"We can never explain" Lily had shrieked at him, and Remus and Lily had been sent into another round of hysterics. 

The next morning Lily had sent him a letter in an envelope, something wizards never did. There had been a short note, and another sealed envelope. 

_Rem,_

_Don't open the other envelope now. You'll know when you need it._

_Family secrets, eh?_

_Love,_

_Lily._

He had kept the letter tucked behind the clock on his mantle for months. 

Now Lily was dead. 

"'Orrible" Hagrid croaked, head half buried in his flagon of mead "Orrible business."

"Hm" Remus said, dissociating. He couldn't exactly say what day it was. Or what hour. 

All he knew was that today Lily and James had been put in the ground. _Lily and James_. His two best friends in the whole world. 

And Dumbledore was telling him that it was Sirius' fault. 

"How are you holding up?" McGonagall asked, softly. She was sitting primly next to him. The rest of the wake’s attendees were scattered across the Leaky's main room. The scattered lot that had survived the war. 

Remus was all alone in it. In his stupid fucking survival. 

"Fine" He croaked. "I'm fine" 

He knew no one believed him. He'd shown up to the funeral hardly having attempted to put himself together. His hair hadn't been brushed in-- in however long it had been since Halloween. He'd thrown a suit jacket over his t-shirt and that had been it. 

Lily had bought him this t-shirt. It was a stupid muggle t-shirt with a wolf and a moon and the slogan "Howl at the moon!" dashed cheerfully across it. 

She had been such a bitch. In the best way. In a way only the two of them had ever got. And now she was gone. 

Maybe it hurt this much because of that goddamn ritual. But no. It hurt this much because it was _Lily and James_. Because they were gone, and Remus was all alone and nothing would ever be good again. 

"I'm just going to—" He said, stumbling to his feet and heading to the entrance. He didn't bother to make up an excuse, just let the sentence trail off behind him. 

He pushed harshly through the entrance door, breathing in the cool November air greedily. Sirius' birthday would be soon, he thought desperately. Or had it already passed? Had Sirius passed it all alone in a cell, cackling over having tricked them all? 

Even though he knew Dumbledore believed Sirius was guilty, Remus couldn't understand it. All he wanted right now was to see him, to hold him, kiss him. Cradle him in his arms and sob into his stupid beautiful hair. How could he want that, if Sirius was really as awful as all that? 

Maybe it was the monster in Remus. The monster that howled for the stars. 

He knocked his head hard against the brick facade of the Leaky. It was hardly late in the evening at all, but the street was almost empty. No one looked his way. 

He was glad of that. The tears were streaming freely down his face now. More than he'd let them do in days. When the grief and the loss was too fresh, too overwhelming. He'd been certain before that if he let himself cry, he would never be able to stop. That at every calming gulp of air he would think again of Lily, James' laughing eyes, Peter's stupid snort and evil, evil Sirius. He would be sure to fall again and again, like waves crashing on the beach. Sure to drown him. 

"Excuse me?" A harsh voice cut through his thoughts, and Remus gasped wetly, hurriedly running the back of his hands over his eyes as if to push the tears back in. He looked up. 

A bony woman in a mauve skirt suit stood before him. She had a pinched face, or perhaps that was simply her expression, and her dishwater blonde hair was pulled back severely. 

It took Remus a long moment to recognise her, but when he did, he almost laughed. 

"Petunia?" He said, incredulous. He had made sure that the woman had been invited. One of the only things he had had the forethought to do in the past days. But he had hardly thought she would come. 

She frowned at him "You were at the wedding. You stood on Lily's side"

"Yes" He said, breathless. Lily had wanted the sides to be even, so he’d stood next to Marlene and made faces at Sirius the whole ceremony.

"I thought that was very strange. To have a man as a bridesmaid." She frowned deeper, looking him up and down "I'm sorry I missed the funeral" 

"That's okay" He said, bemused. "I'm sorry for your loss" 

Her frown twisted. Remus thought for a moment that she might be about to cry. Instead she looked at the ground distastefully. Remus' followed her gaze. "There was traffic on the M4 and this one was being a brat the whole way" She said, sourly. 

At her feet was a baby's car seat. Remus hadn't even noticed before then. He gasped as he saw who was inside, the black hair and golden skin. "Harry" He cried, bending down to unbuckle the baby. 

"You know the child?" She said. 

"I'm his godfather" He said, gathering Harry up into his arms and holding him tight. Harry was crying and clinging tightly to his shirt. 

"I wasn't aware Lily was religious" Petunia spat. "Anyway, yes. I thought I would come to the wake and give you him back" 

"Give me him?" Remus said, bewildered. 

"Well I don't want him" She huffed "Leaving a baby on a doorstep with nothing but a letter, awful thing" 

She had traces of Lily's accent, he realised. The long vowels hidden behind a put-upon poshness. But she'd grown up in the same northern town as Lily had, Remus knew. 

"He went to you?" Remus said, confused. He realised he hadn't asked where Harry had gone. He'd assumed a Potter cousin or maybe McGonagall had him. _Never_ Petunia. 

"Yes" She said, voice clipped "But I don't want him" 

"Oh" Remus said "Well I'm his godfather" 

"Good" She said, looking at him like she thought he might have a few screws loose. "You can take him then."

They stared at each other awkwardly for a few moments longer. 

Petunia opened her mouth, them closed it. Then she said, awkwardly "I wanted-- Well I wished to know how it happened" 

"The baby?" Remus said, confused. 

"No" She snapped, glaring "I meant my sister's death, _if_ you would be so kind _._ "

"No one told you?" Remus said, shocked. 

"No, they didn't" She huffed. 

"A dark wizard killed her. And her husband James. She died protecting Harry" Remus said, voice choked. 

Petunia looked at the baby with an odd expression, as if assessing whether the statement was true. "Oh" She said simply, then picked up the baby carrier and turned on her heels, beginning to walk down the street. 

Remus gaped after her. "Wait!" He cried out. 

She stopped, turning halfway to raise an imperious eyebrow at him. 

He gaped for another moment, mouth opening and closing like a fish. He wanted to say something profound, or maybe ask her to stay. Instead all that came out was: "What day is it?" 

She glared at him, clearly deciding he was crazy now. "It's November 3rd" She huffed, and before he could stop her, she was walking away again with nothing more than an exasperated harrumph. 

Remus stared down at baby Harry. He'd stopped crying. Now he was resting his head against Remus' sternum, sucking his thumb and gulping loudly every few seconds. 

_November 3rd_ , Remus thought. _Happy_ _Birthday_ _Sirius._

**Act Two: Childhood and Other Lies, 1981- 1991**

  1. **How to Get Away with Child Abduction**



It took two days for Remus to remember about the letter. It took three days for Dumbledore to turn up at his door. That was a very lucky order of events, he knew. 

Dumbledore turned up at his flat after lunch time, breezing in serene as you like. 

"Remus" He said, pleasantly "Where is baby Harry?" 

Remus blinked at the headmaster. He hadn't actually invited him in. He'd just opened the door and Dumbledore had walked past him. He closed the door now, gathering his wits. 

He had cleaned the flat thoroughly as soon as he had left the Leaky Cauldron with a baby on his hip. All the debris accumulated in his three-day binge of grief had been banished. Then he'd gone to the first shop he knew would be open late and bought supplies- baby food, toiletries, pyjamas. 

Then he had transfigured his already transfigured coffee table into a crib, found space for it in his cramped bedroom and set about trying to get Harry to sleep. 

That had taken two hours. When Harry was asleep, Remus had gone into the living room, put up a silencing charm, and cried. 

He had done the same the next day when he had gotten Harry down for his nap, at the same time Lily liked for him, as he recalled. But in the middle of _that_ crying session his eyes had alighted on the mantelpiece. And on the letter. 

There had been three pieces of paper in the envelope. 

The first one said: 

_Dear Rem,_

_I love you so much._

_If you're reading this- and let me say this because it's a beautiful cliché- then I am dead. Don't cry for me too much. I'm going to have absolute craic in heaven, I bet. If it exists that is._

_You have to take Harry. You and Sirius, if he's with you. Please, please let him be with you._

_I couldn't tell you this before, but I'm dead now so it should be okay. Harry is under my protection and it will stay through my blood. And he has to stay with someone of that blood in a place he considers home for it to keep working._

_That's you, remember, bro?_

_I'm sorry I'm leaving you alone. No one will ever understand how much of a bitch you are now, eh? But you can get on without me, I promise. I'm the best, but I'm not everything._

_Please make sure my son knows how much I love him. Tell him stories so he knows me. And Jamie too, that beautiful idiot._

_Get back with your beautiful idiot, aye? You love each other, nitwit._

_All my love,_

_Remus._

  1. _S. Dumbledore will know what I've done. You'll have to explain why he has to be with you._



The second piece of parchment was a deed, placing Remus in charge of the Potter vault until Harry came of age. And granting him full custody. 

The third piece of paper was addressed to Harry. Remus folded that one back up and put it in the envelope, putting it safely away. He would let Harry be the one to read it, when he was old enough to understand.

The first two he held out to Dumbledore now. 

"I'll be keeping Harry" Remus said quietly. "He can't go to Petunia" 

"He must" Dumbledore says serenely, taking the letters but not looking at them. 

"You aren't his guardian" Remus said simply, nodding at the letters. 

Dumbledore reads them quickly. He frowns slightly at the first, and frowns even more at the second. 

"What did you do?" He asks curiously. 

"Blood ritual" Remus said "What did Lily do?" 

"Love protection" Dumbledore said slowly "Because she died for him" 

"Ah" Remus said. Of course she did. How Lily. 

"You're a werewolf" Dumbledore pointed out, looking at him over his half moon spectacles with a slight frown. 

"They let you take guardianship if you're blood related and have never turned anyone" Remus said, which he knew only because Lily had told him, now he came to think about it. 

Dumbledore looked at him a long time, face impassive. Then he sighed. 

"You shouldn't stay in London" He said, looking around the flat thoughtfully "He shouldn't grow up with everybody staring at him" 

Remus frowned slightly, looking around the small flat. He didn't particularly want to move. Sirius and he had bought the flat summer after Seventh year. They'd fucked on the couch three times the first night they'd been there. 

Maybe it wasn't a great place to raise Harry. Not when he could see memories in every corner. Sirius smacking his head against the mantle as he gave an impression of Professor McGonagall to raucous applause. Remus burning his hand the first time he'd tried to make fried eggs. The first time they'd babysat Harry here. First argument. First make up. Last argument. 

He bit his lip. Thought about the cottage in the Brecon Beacons he hadn't been to clean out in over two years. 

"I've got somewhere private we could go" 

Dumbledore nodded lightly "Well, my boy. I wish you luck. I must say I did not find Petunia Evans to be on the whole side, _pleasant._ Perhaps the boy will be better with you, I'm sure" 

"Right. Yeah" Remus said awkwardly. He murmured his way through pleasantries until Dumbledore was at the door. Then he paused. 

"Dumbledore" He said. The old man looked at him placidly. "I meant to ask. Do you think Sirius did it? I mean. Do you think he was a death eater?” 

Dumbledore looked at him for a long time. Then he sighed, let a sad smile quirk his lips up. "Remus my dear boy, you would be saddened at how easy the ones we love can become the ones who destroy us" 

Remus stared at him. He sort of had a sudden urge to punch the old man. But he squashed that deep down. "Would I be able to visit him?" 

Dumbledore looked at him steadily "Would that be wise?" 

Remus wanted to scream. Wanted to tell him that _of course_ , of course it would be. It was Sirius Black and he was Remus Lupin and that meant something. It had to. It had to have meant something. Hadn't it? 

"No" Remus said instead "Maybe you're right" 

"Good luck with the move" Dumbledore said, then began to walk down the hallway. 

Remus was left alone in their flat, just in time for Harry to awake. 

  1. **The Serious Problem with Ducks These Days**



"Dad!" Harry cried, running pell-mell at Remus and colliding head on with his legs. He clutched at Remus' corduroys to keep his balance and grinned up at him, radiant in all his five-year-old glee. "Dad a duck quacked at me! Right at me!" 

The 'dad' thing had started after he began reception. All the other kids had daddies, Harry had realised, and Remus hadn't had the heart to correct him. It was something he'd grow out of, Remus was certain.

It wasn't as if he wasn't aware of his actual dad. Photos of Lily and James littered their small cottage and Remus had been feeding Harry bedtime stories about his parents for years at that point. Harry talked happily of his mummy and daddy and his drawings often centred on them. It didn't seem to confuse him to have two dads, so Remus didn't push the matter. 

"No way" Remus laughed, swinging the boy up onto his hip "Did you quack back" 

Harry gasped loudly. As if Remus had asked him if he'd shot it. "I'm not rude" He cried, dragging the word out. 

"Nope" Remus said, tossing the boy lightly upwards. "Politest boy in the Brecon Beacons" 

Harry giggled, then launched into a story about the ducks’ intense personal lives. Something he had been able to pick up from the minute or so he'd stood next to the small pond. Remus walked through the little park with him on his hip, holding Sarah's lead with his other hand. 

Sarah was the little white Bichon Frise that they'd adopted the year before, after their elderly neighbour Mrs. Boris had passed away suddenly. She was only two, still excited to wag her tail and play with Harry. 

Harry was sounding more and more Welsh by the day, Remus realised. The lilt in his voice singing joyfully of the valleys. Remus wondered how much Lily would yell at him if she knew that he was raising her kid Welsh. She'd constantly mocked his accent, repeating words back to him in a terrible valleys lilt. Of course, she'd hardly had a leg to stand on with her Manchester accent, and the two of them had stuck out like sore thumbs in the midst of all the plummy pureblood drawls. 

Sirius had loved his voice. 

Remus ignored the twinge of pain. Instead he listened to Harry's story, interjecting here and there. 

"What a messy divorce" He said, after Harry had told him about Will and Gemma Duckworth and their intense custody battle. Remus suspected someone in Harry's class had parents divorcing. 

Being a father was certainly an unexpected turn in Remus life. He'd ruled out kids the moment he was old enough to consider them. It would have been too dangerous. But every fear he had about raising Harry was lost to the thought that if he gave him up, he would be disappointing Lily. He didn't want to reach the pearly gates in however many years and find an irate Evans waiting to smack him one. 

He used some of the considerable Potter fortune to buy Wolfsbane potion for each full moon. He considered it a sort of Harry related need. Anyway, he just imagined James laughing at him from above. He'd spent years trying to get Remus to let him buy him the potion. 

Now he spent full moons asleep in front of the fire, baby gate firmly in place and McGonagall on call. 

"Oh!" Harry exclaimed. "I wrote to Uncle Sirius again. Can we post it?" 

"Ah" Remus said, trying to keep the strain out of his voice "Sure, Haz" 

The Sirius thing was-- well a large majority of Lily and James stories involved Sirius. And it was easier to just talk about him then to cut him out. And it was easier to say that he'd 'gone away' than to explain the truth. 

But Harry found stories about Sirius immensely funny. He had decided his favourite animals were black dogs (Sarah besides, of course). And a few months ago, he'd come to Remus with a letter. 

"Can I send it to uncle Sirius?" He'd said, black hair all curly and James like and eyes carbon copy Lily Evans "Please, please, _please_. I need a stamp" 

So, Remus had looked up the post policies of Azkaban prison. Sirius could receive mail, but he couldn't send it out. 

So. Well. What was the harm? 

_Dear Uncle Sirius,_

Harry had written in blue crayon that took up half the page. 

_I am Harry Potter and I live with Remus who is my dad but isn't really and you know us but you don't see us. Which is okay because I bet you're fighting dragons or pirates or maybe you're in Canada fighting bears. Did you know they have bears in Canada? I wish we had them hear, but Dad, that's Remus dad, says that the Welsh countryside is not a good natural habitat (_ he had carefully outlined every letter of the two words, proud of them) _for bears_. _I wish you could visit us. Don't worry that you can't. I like that you can be a big dog._

_Happy Easter I am in an Easter play I am playing the donkey. There isn't any magic but except Jesus, who I guess was a wizard but Remus says I'm not allowed to say that but that he thinks my mam would have laughed a lot if I did._

_Love._

_Harry_

Then he'd scribbled a big back blob on the bottom of the page and written an arrow to it that said "You". 

Well, really. What was Remus going to do? Because Harry had been half excited to write to Sirius and half excited about getting to send a letter. And Remus was sort of a terrible parent in that he found it incredibly difficult to say no to Harry at all. 

Remus had placed the letter inside an envelope, added his own note, and spelled it to find Azkaban. Then they'd posted it through the red letter box in the village. 

Remus note had been short. It had said:

_Sirius. I don't forgive you. I haven't told Harry the truth and he wrote you this._

_I hope you are well. (_ which he'd crossed out through tears) 

_I hate you_ (Which he'd crossed out on his third glass of wine) 

_I still want you._ (Which he'd written on his fifth glass and crossed out when he re-read it in the morning. 

_Remus._

Harry had been so happy to post it, and Remus hadn't seen the harm anyway. 

"What does your letter say, this time?" He asked when they got home. He pulled off Harry's tiny welly boots and stacked them next to his large ones. Terribly cute, he thought. 

He let Sarah off her lead, and she ran excitedly after Harry. 

"You can read it" Harry yelled, running through the house to the small room in the back which Remus had fashioned into a study. 

The house was a little cottage on a tiny cul-de-sac. They had two neighbours, but one of the houses was a holiday home so they only saw them in summer. The cottage was about two hundred years old and had been in his mother Hope's family for generations. 

Hope had been indubitably Welsh- in that she chatted constantly and welcomed everyone. Remus had grown up eating Welsh cakes and Barra brith, rarebit and cawl. His ma had sewn Welsh dragons into every tea cloth and spent family dinners raging with her cousins and uncles about independence. Remus had grown up with Welsh as his first language, English as his second. 

It was strange to be speaking it again now, every time he met someone who greeted him with a _Shw mae_ or _Bore da._ It was sort of comforting to see Welsh first on every sign- the English printed begrudgingly beneath. He'd started speaking it to Harry when they moved here. It couldn't be bad for the kid to know two languages, after all. 

The house was covered in mementos of Hope. Her mediocre cross stitch, wonky handmade cushions, old photographs. Her vinyl’s and books. Pictures from women's marches and ban the bombs protests she'd been to in her youth. And took him, as well. 

Remus wasn't about to take Harry to protests, but he thought Hope had been a good example of a single parent if there was ever one to emulate. 

He followed Harry through the cottage at a more sedate pace. The walls were whitewash and exposed brick. The stairs and fixtures and floorboards all creaky oak. The house was something that had settled into its own bones, sagged into the earth like a natural element. 

Remus had to admit that he loved it and had missed it more than he could admit since his Ma had died. He was grateful to share it again with Harry. He didn't know if he could have faced it on his own. 

He rented out the flat in London for a few months or weeks at a time to travellers and the like. It was his biggest source of income, and he was forever grateful to Sirius for buying it outright like the reluctant rich kid he was. 

"Alright" Remus said, sinking into the low sofa in the back room. Harry was lying on the floor. He'd grabbed some paper and his crayons and was scribbling away. "Gimme your letter" 

Harry handed it to him dutifully. Another plain piece of printing paper scribbled on with crayon. 

_Dear Uncle Sirius,_

_Remus says you can't write back because you are in a secret place where they don't let you so you must be a pirate or even cooler I'll bet. I learned about explorers like James Cook and I bet you are one of them but better. Remus says they were bad but they seem cool so I bet you aren't bad, really._

_I wish you could write but it's okay I'll write for both of us and Dad (Remus dad) too. He talks about you a lot and he tells your stories as much as mam and dad's, even when mam and dad aren't in them at all. Like that one where you came to the cottage and Nana Hope gave you a motorbike which was nice of her._

_I hope you are well which is what polite people say and I am polite. Also, Nos da which means goodnight in Welsh because we have a different language or maybe Bora da if it’s the morning._

_Big love_

_Harry_

"Your mam would kill me to hear you call yourself Welsh" Remus sighed, and Harry just ignored him and kept humming to himself, kicking his legs behind him as he drew a picture of a lady with bright red hair and a raven-haired boy with glasses. Sarah lay happily next to him, staring at him loyally. 

Remus smiled sadly, folding the letter up and reaching over to the desk for an envelope and stamp.

**iii. Bedtime and Bad Times**

"Harry" Remus said, exasperatedly, pushing the door to Harry's room open. Harry was curled in the corner of his bed with a book, the bedside lamp teetering precariously above him. "Stop levitating the lamp" 

Which was a stupid thing to say, he realised, when Harry immediately looked up in surprise and stopped absently keeping the lamp up. It began to drop. 

" _Wingardium Leviosa_ " Remus cast quickly and the lamp stilled, a few inches above Harry's head. He levitate it back to its usual spot, beside the framed picture of a grinning Lily on the bed stand. 

"Sorry" Harry said sheepishly, closing the book around his finger to keep his page. 

"I sent you to bed an hour ago" Remus sighed, walking over to his kid. At eight years old Harry was honestly becoming more and more like both of his parents. 

Using trickery and accidental magic to stay up late reading? Classic Lily Evans and James Potter. 

Sarah ran past his feet, barking happily. She jumped on Harry's bed and Harry began talking to her in their joint 'Sarah voice'. 

"Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?" He asked her and she wagged her tail happily. 

"Harry" Remus said pointedly, sitting on the edge of Harry's quilted bed. He picked up the book from where Harry had discarded it to fuss over Sarah. It was the copy of the Hobbit that Remus had found in the local charity shop a few days ago. "Oh. How far are you?" Remus said, momentarily distracted. 

"Out of the frying pan, into the fire" Harry replied, rubbing Sarah behind ears. 

Remus smiled, about to go on about the book, then remembered he was meant to be parenting. He didn't feel that bad, though. This seemed like something Lily would have struggled with, too. 

"You can't stay up on a school night kiddo" He said, putting on his best 'I'm a parent' voice. 

Harry huffed, but pushed Sarah lightly off the bed and nodded. "Alright, da" 

Da had been the compromise, as he grew older. He asked a lot about James, now. He constantly wanted to hear about what he had been like, whether Harry was like him. Probably because he looked so much like him. 

But Harry was more like Lily than James, he noticed. He was a little bit devious, a lot argumentative. Too reckless for his own good. 

James had been chivalry through and through, a calmly brewed storm of intelligence and love and courage. Lily had been a hastily cooked up hurricane. 

Had been. That had become the operative word in Remus life. His friends had been. Sirius had been. Remus had been. 

"Night" Remus told is proto son softly, flicking the light switch off. Because this was what Remus _was._

That didn't mean he was entirely lost to his past self, however. He was only twenty-eight after all, though it was hard to remember with how domestic his life was now. He could indulge every now and then. 

He took the tin from the back of the cleaning supplies cupboard--one cupboard he knew Harry avoided at all costs. Then he headed into the narrow garden. 

The garden was long, but narrow. With chicken coops and allotments littering it. He'd made Harry a swing for his sixth birthday. It swayed lightly now, in the summer breeze. 

Harry would be nine the next few months. And when school ended in a fortnight it would be another summer of adventure. Maybe they would go to Spain this summer. Or the Hebrides. He made a habit of taking Harry on trips around the world, or even just across the UK. What was the point of being a rich kid if you couldn't see some culture? He had taken Harry to India a few times, to the little Potter cottage still there. So, he could know his families past. 

Remus rolled a spliff, languidly. This always made him think about Lily. He remembered the first time she'd gotten high. Sixth year. She'd caught him smoking behind greenhouse number 4. He'd been sure she would yell at him, but instead she had laughed. 

"My my" She'd cut her hair short, that year. It barely reached her shoulders. James had hardly been able to form sentences around her, that year. "Goody-goody Remus Lupin, aye?" 

"If I'm good-goody then you're practically a delight" He'd teased, blowing the smoke away from her. It had just been the full moon, he remembered. He'd been smoking to dull the pain. 

She had made a face. Swished her hair. He suspected she had kept her hair long after that year because her hair swishes hadn't had the same impact. 

"Let me try some, then" She'd said. He'd laughed but passed it to her anyway and he hadn't mocked her when she coughed. 

They'd stayed up far too long that night, giggling and then when the weed wore off just talking. They'd always been able to drag conversations about nothing out for hours. 

"Bullshit is our specialist subject" She'd intoned, mock wisely. 

God, he missed her. He let out a mouthful of smoke, now. He looked up at the stars. 

It was always clear out here. He loved sitting on his rickety garden furniture and looking at the stars. 

He could see Orion's belt. 

"Orion's belt. Got to be a euphemism in there somewhere" Sirius had said. 

"You would find a euphemism in a daisy" Remus had teased. 

Sirius had grinned at him so brightly. Then he'd kissed him soundly on the mouth, all thoughts of euphemisms and stars out of both of their minds. 

They'd barely been together at that point. End of sixth year. In two- and a-bit years Remus would break up with him over his own stupid fears. Like one day he would just be able to pick him back up. Like he had all the time in the world. 

God, had he been stupid. 

This was what Remus had now. Ghosts and weed and old memories. A little boy who needed him because he was the only one left. 

"You get glum when you smoke" James had told him once, and Remus had mocked him for an hour for using the word 'glum'. 

  1. **iv**. **Where The Wild Things Aren't**



Ten-year-olds were bastards. That was what Remus had to conclude. Or maybe just that ten-year-olds with Lily Evans blood in them were bastards. His blood, too. He tried not to let the images of a forest and an iron dagger flicker through his mind, but they did anyway.

"Why don't we have any pictures of Uncle Sirius?" Harry asked, moving his porridge around with a spoon. He didn't meet Remus eyes, kept his eyes trained on the old kitchen tabletop. 

Remus stopped with a spoonful of his own porridge halfway to his mouth "What?" He croaked. 

"Well" Harry said slowly "We have pictures of mum and dad. Of Peter. Of you and everyone. Of my Auntie Marlene. And my grandparents and your mum. But we don't have any of Sirius" He looked up at Remus slyly "Why's that?" 

"I" Remus said, remembering suddenly that he was a shit parent and had been tricking himself for the last nine years. "I guess I don't have any" 

"Only I found a box of pictures in your room" Harry said, calm as you like. 

"Right" Remus said. "Did you?" 

"Under your bed. There were a lot of you two" Harry frowned "And a newspaper article" 

**_Sirius Black: Notorious Mass Murderer._** That was the title of that particular news article. But Remus had clipped it and kept it because it was a new picture of Sirius. Because he was just a little bit more pathetic than he would ever admit. 

"Oh. Harry" Remus said, voice apologetic. His porridge was cooling rapidly while he tried to find the words. "None of the stories were lies I’m sorry." 

"But he isn't an explorer?" Harry asked quietly. 

"No" 

"Is he a bad man?" 

Remus paused "That's what people believe, yes" 

But ten-year-olds were bastards, so Harry's eyes shot up to look at Remus with intensity "What do you believe? You still keep the pictures. You loved him a lot" 

"I did" Remus admitted, quietly. _I do._ "I guess. I don't understand it."

"You don't believe it?" 

"I just don't understand how it could be true" 

"But it is?" Harry said, quietly. 

Remus stared at the kid. So like James in his understanding. James had always been the emotionally intelligent one. Helping Peter out with his confidence, knocking Remus and Sirius' heads together in the early years. And the later ones. 

_You've a pit for a heart, Remus Lupin._ That's what James had said, once. They'd all gone to stay in his house in India, that summer. _You let everything fall into the dark, never looking at any of it. You swallow everything up._

What a prat. That's what Lily would have said. That James was a prat and Remus was too. That she was amazing for putting up with them. 

Maybe James had been right. Sometimes Remus did feel like an open wound. No. Like an empty theatre. Cavernous and full of past laughter, past applause. Ghosts in every empty red velvet seat. 

"Yes" He told Harry, voice barely above a whisper "Yes, it is" 

  1. **September Firsts Abound**



Harry looked glumly from the car window. The drive to London from Wales was about 4 hours, and he didn't have the house connected by floo. They’d left Sarah in the care of their one year-round neighbour, a nice writer named Bernard.

Harry had been ecstatic for the first hour or so, going on and on about houses and feasts and moving staircases. 

But ever since then he'd drawn in on himself more and more, letting the sound from the cassette player fill the car. They'd been trading back and forth on who got to pick the album. Remus' Joni Mitchell had followed Harry's Queen album. _All I Want_ hummed happily from the staticky speakers. 

"I could change the music?" Remus said softly, glancing sideways to see Harry's frown. 

Harry shook his head "I like this song" But he kept frowning. 

Remus didn't push it. After a few moments he said "We're about twenty minutes out" 

"What time is it?" Harry asked, clearly attempting to stop the fear from showing in his voice. 

Remus cast a _tempus_ when it was safe to do so. 10:20 shone in spectral numerals. 

"Right on time" Remus said, happily. 

Harry didn't say anything. Remus sighed after a moment. 

"Haz. What's up?" 

Harry stayed quiet a little longer. Then he sighed loudly "What if everyone hates me? Or they won't leave me alone because of my parents? Or if everyone asks about Uncle- _abo_ ut Sirius?" 

Remus bit his lip "Well anyone who hates you or won't leave you alone shouldn't be your friend." He said firmly "And I promise you'll find people who _are_ your friends and who treat you right. Take it from the first werewolf to go to Hogwarts" He teased. 

Harry laughed slightly, but he still looked worried. 

"Come on kiddo. Haven't I raised the coolest kid west if the Welsh border?" 

"There are only 3 million people in Wales" Harry pointed out, but he was grinning. 

"Best of three million is nothing to scoff at" Remus joked "Plus you're half Lily Evans, half James Potter. You literally can't not be cool" 

"My mum was pretty cool" Harry said "Dad was a nitwit sometimes" 

"And those two sentences are how I know I raised you right" Remus let out a guffaw "Job done. I've parented you all I can" 

Harry laughed, but frowned quickly "But your still my parent too. And that makes me cool as well" 

"Because you have three parents?" Remus clarified. 

"Because you're cool" Harry insisted. "I learnt from the best" 

Remus looked at Harry warmly "Come on little man. Don't make me cry today" 

"Isn't that the point" Harry laughed. 

"Well, yeah. But I was gunna be a champ about it and not cry until I hit shitty Welsh roads."

"Probably safer to cry on the real roads" Harry said, nodding at the road they were on. 

"Welsh roads are ridiculous. And I was planning to curl up with Sarah and reminisce on the days I could hold you in just one arm." He sighed. "Are you still upset?" 

Harry frowned; he stuck his fingers into the owl cage he had perched on his knees. They'd gone to Diagon a few months earlier, even before they'd received Harry's Hogwarts letter. The little bird in the cage was a Greater Sooty, with pitch black wings and a round face. Harry had named her Empress Matilda, who had been a prominent witch of her day. Mattie nipped softly at Harry's fingers and chirped. 

"I guess…" Harry started softly. "Do you think my parents would have liked me?" 

"Liked you?" Remus exclaimed. "Harry they would be your number one fans. You'd be sick of them following you about. They'd probably have started a competition on who you loved more. They'd be terrible with it, too" Remus lost himself a little bit in the thought "Lily would definitely make some underhand plays" 

"Like what?" Harry asked. 

"Bribed you with two swear words a day or something" Remus shrugged "She was wicked when she wanted to win something" 

"Am I like her?" Harry smiled. 

"You know you are" Remus said, smiling at Harry sideways. "I've said a million times" 

"It's nice to hear" Harry shrugged. 

"You're like James too. You have his kindness. I mean he was a bit of a prat when he was younger. But he had the biggest heart. You're like him, but way more mature" Remus laughed, reaching over to ruffle Harry's hair. 

"I hope I'm a Gryffindor" Harry said. 

"You can be anything you want" Remus said, because he could imagine Harry in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff as well. 

"Even a Slytherin?" Harry scrunched up his nose. Remus had tried to stop his own biases from infecting Harry, but you couldn't be perfect he supposed. 

"Your mam was very big on equality of the houses, you know" Remus admonished "Nothing wrong with Slytherin. She was probably half one herself" 

Harry nodded, but he still made a face. 

_California_ was playing _._ "This was Lily's favourite song, you know" Remus said, and Harry nodded, like he'd heard that before, which he more than likely had. 

They both started to sing the rest of the song and kept singing along to Joni until Remus turned into the car park at King's Cross. 

"Alright" Remus clapped his hands together after I turned the car off "Let's get you on that train" 

Harry grinned at him, excited again now. He jumped out of the car and went to the boot. Remus followed him, helping him haul the trunk out of the car. They found one of the luggage carts and piled his stuff into it, perching Matilda on top like the Queen she was. 

"Okie dokes" Remus said, because he was more of a dad than he would like to admit. "Onwards, kid" 

He let Harry push the cart because he seemed excited about it and led him to the platform wall. 

He was just about to explain the brick wall to Harry when a voice called out. 

"Remus Lupin? Goodness is that you?" Remus looked up in surprise. A plump woman with bright red hair was grinning at him from beside the barrier. A gaggle of similarly ginger kids stood around her. They looked over to Remus too, alerted by their mother. 

"Molly Prewett" Remus said with surprise. "Oh, er. It's Weasley now, isn't it?" 

"Has been for decades, dearie" Molly laughed, striding forward to crush him in a hug. When she pulled back, she looked down at Harry with interest. 

Molly had been a few years ahead, and a prefect to boot. She'd disciplined James and Sirius more times than he could count. She was a born disciplinarian, Molly Prewett. He had mainly known her through the twins, Gid and Fab.

"You have a son?" She frowned, looked at Harry a bit closer. Her eyes widened. "Oh" 

"This is James and Lily's kid, Harry" Remus said, placing his hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry smiled up at the older women cautiously. 

"Lovely" Molly said, taking it in her stride. Remus was thankful she had been so calm "I liked your parents a lot" She said, simply. Remus knew that Lily had owl’d Molly a lot for advice in her third trimester.

Remus looked over at the red-haired lot, noticing Harry did as well. 

"You must have a few at Hogwarts, right?" He asked. 

"Two graduated already" She said proudly "Our Ron's starting this year" She smiled at Harry "You can go through with him" 

Harry looked at Remus questioningly. Remus grinned at him "You have to run through that brick wall" 

Harry looked at him suspiciously "Is this a prank?"

Remus laughed and noticed a few of the red heads laughing too. "I am being deadly serious. Go on." His grin softened when Harry still gave him a cautious look “I’ll be right through” He told him quietly in Welsh.

Harry and the smallest boy, Ron, went through together. Both looking convinced they would be thrown aside any moment.

Molly grinned at Remus as her kids went in one boy one "Well come in. I'll initiate you into sending one of your own away" 

"Is it terrifying?" Remus asked. 

"Deadly" She promised, but he followed her anyway. 

**Part Three: Old Beginnings and New Ends 1993-1998**

  1. **And Life Goes On and On**



Remus had had a lot of shit happen in his life. He frankly thinks he's had his fair share of shit. Maybe time to give it to someone else, yeah universe? 

Accept, of course, life isn't fair. 

He's been staring at the Prophet for about twenty minutes. The owl that delivered it is still waiting, patiently, with its leg stuck out. Remus blinks at it. Then he grabs a few knuts from the little pot he keeps on the side, clumsily putting it in the leather pouch on the owl’s leg. 

The owl hoots reproachfully and flies off through the window, leaving Remus all alone. 

Except he isn't alone. Because Sirius is staring at him from the front page of the prophet. It's the same photo he's kept for years under his bed, but that doesn't change anything. 

Because the words blaring next to Sirius stupid messy hair cry **_Sirius_ _Black escapes Azkaban!_**

Sirius Black escapes Azkaban. Sirius, who Remus had kissed for the first time under a new moon, elated at the feeling of freedom in his bones and desperate to know, _just know_ , if Sirius could feel this thing between them the way he could. 

And Sirius had kissed him back and smiled and cried like he had feelings and then he'd killed their best friends. 

Because life wasn't fair. Or at least people weren't. 

He finally begins to feel his legs again and drops weakly into the kitchen chair. He remembers in third year Lily had refereed a staring tournament between the marauders. James had been distracted by Lily enough that he'd blinked after only a few minutes. But Remus and Sirius had gone for almost a full seven minutes until both of their eyes had been red and watering and lily had called them both idiots and thrown a cushion at Sirius' face so he'd blink. Sarah woofed lightly from near the kitchen door, wanting to go outside and play.

Twenty years later and here they were, Remus staring at Sirius manic eyes, eyes beginning to water. 

"Remus?" Harry said cautiously, and Remus jolted slightly and looked over to the kitchen door. 

Harry stood there in pyjamas, hair messy from bed. He reminded him so much of James in that moment that Remus' heart wrenched. 

"Oh, Harry" Remus spoke softly in Welsh, because for a moment he wanted to pretend it was just him and Harry again, all alone in Wales with no one encroaching on that sacred, small peace. "I need to tell you something" 

But Harry's eyes had already fallen on the paper, and he walked towards it before Remus could stop him. 

"Sirius has escaped?" Harry said, voice hollow even in the comforting language. "He's out there" 

"Yes" Remus said "I'm so sorry" 

Harry just shook his head, picking the paper up gingerly. He stared at Sirius blankly. Then he tossed the paper aside and wrapped his arms around himself. 

"Will he come after me?" Harry asked, croaking. Remus leapt up from his chair and wrapped Harry up in a tight hug. 

"No" Remus said "I won't let him" 

"What if he comes to school? Or here? He's been here before, right?" Harry demanded. 

"You know this house is warded against anyone who wants to harm you. And Hogwarts is the safest place in the world" Remus said, even though his own heart was pounding. Was Sirius that vengeful? Had he changed into this unrecognisable person in the years after they'd broken up? Or had he always secretly been like that? Was fifth year just a taste of his malice? 

"Quirrel got in in first year" Harry insisted, he was beginning to shake. 

Remus almost shuddered. God. That fucking year. And the last year too. Harry's Hogwarts years so far had shredded Remus nerves more than ten years of raising the boy ever had. It seems at every corner someone wanted Harry dead. 

"This is different. The whole world, Aurors and MLEs and Dumbledore, they're all looking for him, okay?" Remus insisted. 

Harry pulled back and stared at Remus with wide eyes "What if he comes for you when I'm not here? The house isn't protected if I'm not there" 

Remus' mouth went dry. He hadn't even thought. "He won't come for me" Remus said in English, but it was weak. Would Sirius come to him? 

Remus had to do something. He had to keep Harry safe, and he had to keep himself safe so that Lily's plan wouldn't be in vain. His blood kept Harry safe. As long as Harry had a home with Remus, he could be safe. 

He had to stay around Harry to make sure he was safe. So that they both were. Which meant he had to owl Dumbledore. 

The first letter Remus received from Harry after he left for Hogwarts told him joyfully that he had been sorted into Gryffindor, had made tight friends with the youngest Weasley boy and that there was a girl who ' _is an absolute know it all, seriously Remus she's worse than you and she won't leave us alone'_. 

The second letter told him all about his broom lessons, which Remus had never let him on before because he himself was a terrible flyer and therefore a terrible supervisor, and how he had been drafted to the Quidditch team. After that one Remus had walked over to James's grinning face, one of the only pictures hanging on the wall that was just James alone and not him surrounded by his friends or family. He was about nineteen in the picture, and smug with it. Remus had just looked at him, and then he'd laughed. "I guess he is your kid, just a little bit, Jamie" 

The third letter Remus received told him all about the dark things lingering in Hogwarts. The pain in Harry's scar, Snape's cruel taunts about James, the odd professor Quirrel. 

The last letter of Harry's first year, which he wrote from a hospital bed surrounded by piles of Bertie Botts, was superfluous. Because Remus had already floo'd the castle an hour earlier while Harry slept off his encounter with Voldemort and was at that time on the Seventh floor screaming at Albus. 

This was the general pattern of Harry's school career, he would find. Every year it seemed to begin as if Harry was any other adolescent and on and on it would dissolve into its final horrible culmination in the summer, until Remus would find himself screaming or crying or apologising profusely to the vapidly grinning portrait of Harry's parents. His best friends who he just kept disappointing. 

The school year of 1993-94 was no different. But there wouldn't be any letters. 

"Are you going to embarrass me?" Harry said suspiciously as they stood on the platform, a few months after Sirius' escape. 

Remus laughed loudly "I thought I was cool? Nah, kid. I'll stay out of your way" 

Harry made a face "I mean, you can still talk to me. My friends are interested to meet you" 

"I said you could invite them over the summer" Remus pointed out. Harry had visited the Weasley's for a few weeks in the summer but hadn't seemed interested in Hermione or Ron coming over. 

"I know" Harry rolled his eyes "I like spending time with you and Sarah in the summer. Plus, we went to India" 

Remus shrugged. To be fair, India had been a bit of a bribe. Mostly a "sorry my ex-boyfriend killed your parents and escaped prison, please don't resent me" trip. With a smidge of "if we're in India, Sirius probably won't find us". 

"Maybe next summer" Remus suggested, as they got onto the train. 

Harry nodded "Hermione would like it if we drove to Snowdonia. But also, probably if we just looked to all your books for a full few days" 

Remus laughed. "Alright. I'll see you at school. Don't get into any trouble in the few hours I leave you on your own" 

Harry rolled his eyes "I will try not to be a natural magnet for mayhem" 

It took roughly two hours for trouble to find Harry Potter, though of course it wasn't his fault. 

The moment the train had stopped he had been on his feet, striding out of the compartment he was in to find Harry. He had barely begun down the corridor when he felt the chill fall over him, and he knew. His feet sped up. He found Harry only a few doors from his own compartment, sitting with a red-haired boy and a black girl with messy curls rivalling Harry's. All three were looking about in confusion. 

"Harry" Remus said, walking into the compartment and closing the door behind him. He cast a _colloportus_ , then he turned to face his adopted son "There's dementors on the train" 

"Dementors!" The girl who must be Hermione exclaimed, her skin going pallid "I've read about those" 

"But they guard Azkaban" Harry frowned. He had small beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Remus hit himself mentally and cast a Patronus. The large dog bound from his wand. It could almost be mistaken for a wolf. 

"They’re here looking for Sirius, I'd assume" Remus sighed, while all three kids stared at the Patronus in awe. 

"Sirius Black!" Ron squeaked "Is he here?" 

Remus looked at Harry in thought for a moment, wondering how much about Sirius he had told his friends. The boy’s face had darkened at his very mention. 

"I wouldn't think so. But maybe" Remus assured them. "Don't worry. You're safe with me" 

When the dementor came past it shied away from the lit-up compartment, cowering on the furthest side of the small hallway. 

But it stated hungrily into the compartment. What was it sensing? Three scared children? Remus' grief? Or his own torn soul, split between the past and the present? 

Whatever it was, Remus put every happy memory he had of raising Harry into his casting, making the silver dog glow as brightly and as threateningly as he could. 

Snape spoke roughly thirty words to Remus the whole year, most of them scathing. But Remus found untold pleasure in dropping into his third-year lessons when he could, ostensibly after advice or parchment or a pain potion. Harry reported a thirty percent decrease in Snape's cruelty, scared as he had become that Remus would burst through the door, ever the hovering parent. 

And of course, there was the Neville thing. Remus had kept himself polite and respectful and responsible in front of the class, avoiding Harry's grinning face the whole time, but had burst into laughter as soon as he was unobserved. He had felt for a moment the same way he had so often in school- the thrill of having something to run and tell James and Sirius and Peter about, so that they could all dissolve into laughter. 

And then of course, he had remembered. It had stopped seeming so funny. 

Remus hated the dementors. He felt them pulling at him constantly, especially when he was alone in his Chambers, which were colder and lonelier than the cottage in Brecon’s. He had brought his records and his photos and his books, even Sarah spent her days happily curled in front of the fire. She was getting on in her years, now. But Scotland wasn't home the way Wales was. And the sucking, heavy blankets of malaise hanging over the castle didn't help. 

He took to buying bulk from honey dukes and importing Cadbury's from the closest muggle town. He would distribute it around his students liberally and leave it in piles on the staff room table. 

Harry, Ron and Hermione would come for hot chocolate on Mondays and Thursdays. Remus would let Harry and Ron argue over the record they put on (Harry choosing from a lifetime of education on the subject, if not a biased one, from the Marauders + Lily's cumulative taste. Ron chose based on album artwork and a frankly unhealthy obsession with the Beatles later work) and he would discuss books with Hermione, often lending her literature. She was incredibly bright, but mostly academic based. Remus respected this but couldn't understand the point of life without an appreciation for stories. She liked the literature, but always politely declined any poetry. 

He'd almost told her that Sirius had been the exact inverse, before remembering that Sirius Black was a mass murderer and not the boy who had recited T. S. Elliott into Remus' ear. It was often hard for Remus to combine the two, so disparate were they. 

At Christmas, Remus had suggested they could all go to Wales. Hermione had been planning on staying at Hogwarts to avoid a Granger family reunion. Which, she had told him, always devolved into a competition on who had done better with one's life and who had the better job benefits, and usually ended with her dad sulking in the car. 

The whole Weasley clan was staying at Hogwarts because Arthur had a mild case of dragon pox and Molly didn't want to deal with a whole house of sick kids. 

When he suggested that the Weasley's and Hermione accompany him and Harry back to the beacons, he hadn't truly been thinking straight. After all, the concept was simple. The execution somewhat not. 

But he split the eight of them the best he could across the four bedrooms. Ron joined Harry, the twins and Percy took the largest spare and Hermione and Ginny the converted attic. 

Each day was a mess of amateur Quidditch Remus reff'd, but refused to play, Christmas baking and music. Hot chocolate and log fires and long walks. 

"Wales is beautiful" Hermione had whispered, on the day they had all squashed into Remus enlarged car and driven to Cadair Idris. 

"Yeah" Remus had said with a smile. But really he was thinking about the Christmas in '85 when Sirius had come to his and they'd come here, and Sirius had started crying. 

"I just never got to see the world; you know" He'd said "Not even Britain. They just keep us locked in that poisoned town house" 

He had never spent another Christmas at Grimmauld. That summer he had run away to James' house, and Remus had done his best not to feel too jealous that he hadn't come to him. That had been the summer he had started having a tearing feeling in his chest every time he looked at Sirius. 

"Oi" Fred yelled, because George or maybe Ginny had thrown a snowball at him. He spluttered, water dripping from his face "You'll pay for that!" 

It took Remus three minutes of trying to calm the snow fight before he gave in and threw a perfectly formed missile at Harry's bare neck. 

"I told you to wear a scarf, kiddo" He teased while Harry yelled in grinning dismay. It was a good Christmas. 

He hated January, just as he hated March and November. But on Lily's birthday it was always worse. Lily hurt the most sharply, and Remus wondered if it was the blood they shared or those last few years. When they had been cinched close together by their own tragedies and worries and weed stashes. 

As he did on every 31st, he smoked a bowl and then he looked up to the sky or maybe to the floor or maybe out at the horizon and he thought of maybe he whispered, _I miss you I miss you I miss you._

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry._

Remus had liked being a teacher, he thought with a sigh. The school year was near ending, and although nothing had gone wrong yet, he knew the curse. It had been going strong in his school days and hadn't slowed since. DADA teachers never lasted more than a year. 

He had come to Hogwarts to protect Harry from Sirius, but it had been a year and Sirius was still free and had been terrorising Harry all year. Remus had shown Dumbledore every secret passage he knew, and they had been blocked. But would it keep Sirius away? 

And if Sirius wasn't caught what would he do next year? This fucking curse. Maybe he would break it finally, he thought with a laugh. Become a tenured professor and have tea with McGonagall on Thursday afternoons until the day he died. 

He was still lost in his own fantasy when his eyes caught the map laid out on his table. 

Peter Pettigrew was coming out of Hagrid's hut. Right alongside Harry, Hemione and Ron. 

Ah, Remus thought even as he flew out of his chair and banged his knee in his haste to leave the room, there was the twist. 

All of the way down to the Shrieking Shack Remus felt his heart pound. It was running a singular harried rhythm and with every beat he thought, _I knew, I knew, I knew._

When he got to the whomping willow he found that Dumbledore charms had been cast aside. By who? Sirius?

Or Peter? 

He counted his blessings, stilling the tree easily and making his way through the tunnel. As he grew nearer, the brag of his heart and mind grew louder, more insistent. 

_I knew it, I knew it, I knew it._

The house had a frantic energy, as it always had. Perhaps some magic from Remus monthly transformations had imbued it some, making it transitory in itself. It creaked when no wind blew, temperatures dropped when the sun shone outside. 

The voices upstairs were loud. He thought he heard Harry clearly.

A female voice must be Hemione he thought, shrieked “WE’RE UP HERE! WE’RE UP HERE — SIRIUS BLACK — QUICK!”

He mounted the stairs quickly, blood pounding. He had to get in there, had to--

You can prepare yourself for anything, Remus had always thought. And he had thought this because he was studious by nature and worrisome by second. He had always thought that with enough time, you could be well prepared to face anything at all. 

Even if Remus had had all the time in the world and not just one short walk over the grounds, he would never have been ready to face Sirius Black. 

Not again. Not after all these years. 

Sirius' bedraggled face left the three frantic teens in the corner and spun around to face Remus. Their eyes met. 

"Remus" Sirius croaked, and Remus felt everything come rushing back, as if hit by an oncoming train. 

It had been a Monday evening, he remembered. A Monday evening. The most innocuous time of all. 

Sirius had made them both pasta for dinner, because neither of them were great cooks and neither could be bothered to go and get takeaway. They'd eaten in chilly silence on the couch. He could still almost taste the mistrust in the air. 

Remus had only just come home from a mission for Dumbledore- two weeks ingratiating himself with the werewolf pack in Brixham. Sirius had been chilly when he'd arrived and hadn't really warmed up since. Despite the frantic sex they'd had in the little entrance corridor of their flat. 

"I don't understand why you stay, if you don't trust me" Remus had said bemusedly, when Sirius had picked up their bowls and gone to take them to the kitchen he froze at Remus' words. 

"What do you mean?" He said roughly, but he still wouldn't meet Remus' eyes. 

"I mean you've half convinced yourself I'm going on jaunts to hang with You-know-who every time I'm on a mission" Remus said, trying to make himself sound amused. But the croak of hurt broke through anyway. 

"Missions where?" Sirius said sharply. 

Remus laughed harshly "That's exactly my point" 

The breakup had lasted another three hours. They had touched on everything. Sirius' wealth, Remus' self-doubt, Sirius recklessness, Remus' secrecy. They had ping-pong'd faults back and forth until they had been left bare, both panting and exposed. Their worst faults tossed to the floor like paper waste. 

And then Remus had said "You can have the fault, if you want" 

And Sirius' face had cracked with grief. He had already cried that night, from frustration and upset and anger. Now he cried with loss, silent and steady tears rolling down his face. "You keep it" He'd said, picking up his leather jacket and walking out of Remus' life "I'll go to James's" 

That was how Remus had been left alone. That was how he had destroyed his own love. 

And now that destruction stood before him, and it had a gaunt face and scraggy stupid beautiful hair and grey eyes Remus could be lost in. 

"Sirius" Remus said with an exhale of emotion. "Where is he?" 

Harry was staring at him in shock, he knew. But he looked at Sirius steadily. Sirius stared back for a moment, and then pointed unsteadily at Ron. Remus looked at him, confused. But then he noticed the bulge under Ron's shirt and like an idiot, he finally recalled Ron's rat. 

"But why hadn't he shown himself before now? Unless… unless you switched secret keepers…and didn't tell me?" Remus said slowly, things falling into place in his mind. His heart twinges with the rejection, even years later. 

Sirius stared at him, dry mouthed. And then he nodded. 

Suddenly it didn't matter that he hadn't been trusted twelve years before. All that mattered was that Sirius was _here_ and he was as innocent as Remus twisted heart had always believed he was. 

He strode forward, and he wrapped Sirius up into a hug so tight he worried for a second that he might crush him. But Sirius clung back twice as hard, his fingers twisting into the fabric of Remus robes. He shuddered lightly beneath Remus and Remus wondered if he was about to begin sobbing. 

But they were interrupted by a roar "REMUS!" Harry hollered, face furious. "How can you? He killed mam and dad" Harry's face was screwed up with betrayal, and behind him his two friends were gaping in shock. "After everything he did to you, you hug him? I thought you _loved_ me" 

Remus laughed in shock "Harry I love you more than anything" Harry opened his mouth to yell, and Remus cut past him "But I was _wrong._ Everyone was wrong" 

Harry stood frozen, glancing between the two men. Hermione behind him was frowning deeply. 

"He's a _murderer_ professor" She said stoutly "We trusted you."

"He isn't" Remus shook his head, smiling kindly at Hermione. But when he spoke again, he looked directly into Harry's eyes "Harry, _they switched secret keepers"_

 _"_ They…. what?" Harry said, mouth agape. Remus had explained Sirius' betrayal to him a long time ago, after he'd found the newspaper clipping under the bed. He knew about the _Fidelius_ charm.

"I convinced them" Sirius croaked, his voice hoarse. He stared intently at Harry, as if he couldn't believe he was truly there. He was gripping the back of Remus' robes still, keeping himself standing. "When you were--" He looked at Remus with a frown "Eight months old? Maybe older. I convinced them to switch the secret keeper" 

"Secret keeper?" Hermione asked sharply. 

"A _Fidelius_ charm is a charm that hides the location of a building from anyone except a designated secret keeper, and those the secret keeper tells" Remus said in his teacher voice "You can't tell anyone the location unless you're the secret keeper. It's incredibly complex magic" 

"I was the obvious choice" Sirius' voice was so scraped that all Remus wanted was to feed him tea with honey until his silvery drawl came back. Sirius looked at Harry uncertainly "I was your dad's best friend, did you know? We were like brothers" 

"Remus told me" Harry said. He still looked at Sirius warily, but he wasn't yelling any more. 

"I was too obvious, then" Sirius said, looking at Remus with surprise. "As you know. So, I convinced your parents to switch keepers, and not to tell anyone" 

"Not even me" Remus said blandly. But Sirius' hand tightened convulsively on Remus' back. 

"I suspected you" He croaked "I'm sorry" 

The confirmation stung, even though he had known it for years. 

"You didn't trust Remus?" Harry said, baffled. 

"I was away a lot, missions for Dumbledore with the werewolves." Remus said quietly. 

"That isn't a good reason. I was a prick, is the reason" Sirius said adamantly, eyes holding Remus' for a moment and then glancing off, as if it hurt too much to look at him. 

"it was a war. We didn't trust each other" Remus said quietly "That was what Voldemort wanted" 

"Here's the godfatherly advice I never got to give you, Harry" Sirius croaked "Always keep your friends close and _trust_ them" 

"But someone betrayed my parents" Harry said, frustrated "If it wasn't you, who?" 

Sirius looked at him a long time, then he looked at Ron darkly. "Peter Pettigrew" 

"Peter?" Harry exclaimed, with disbelief. The lump in Ron's pocket was moving frantically, the ginger boy having to keep two hands on the rodent to keep it in place. 

Harry had grown up on stories of benign Peter Pettigrew. He was in the pictures around the house, laughing with them and often staring at James with bare admiration. Harry clearly couldn't believe it. 

But Remus, Remus who hadn't only grown up with the stories but who had lived them and told them after, Remus believed it. There had always been a bitter seed at the centre of Peter. But he had never thought -- 

He had never thought that Sirius could betray Lily and James and he hadn't truly believed it even when he should have. And hadn't ever thought Peter could, either, but he believed it now. God did he believe it. 

Remus pointed his wand at Ron. Hermione let out a squeak of protest. "Let go of Scabbers, Ron" Remus said darkly, remembering that the rat had been at his own house for two weeks, and he had never seen hide nor hair if it. Hiding from him, like as not. 

"What?" Ron asked, disbelieving. Sirius had broken his leg as Padfoot, the clod. 

"Please let go of the rat" Remus said, trying to remain assuring. Ron did so slowly, but as soon as his hands had left the rat Remus cast _accio_ , and the small body flew towards him. 

Sirius caught him, even as Ron yelped in dismay. "You filthy fucking traitor" He hissed " _Look_ , Rem" And Remus saw that the rat was missing a toe on his front paw. 

Sirius had lost twelve years of his life for that paw, he thought with a tender burning clarity. For that single finger in the road. Poor Peter Pettigrew, they'd said. Only a finger left of him. Killed by a mad man. 

And if Remus had been a more bitter man, if he hadn't spent years raising a boy who brought him so much joy, if he had been all alone, left to grow bitter over his losses and his loneliness-- maybe he would have done something stupid. Like forced Peter to transform and taunted him and maybe he would have even wanted to kill him, right here. The way he knew Sirius wanted to kill him. 

But he didn't do that. Instead he raised his wand, thought of the spell every person knowledgeable in dark creature lore knew, and tranquilized Peter Pettigrew. 

Like the animal he had become. 

  1. **The Summer After Life Goes On.**



June, July, August. The three hazy, overheated sisters that stacked themselves between each school year. Which Remus had cherished with Harry ever since he was four years old and going to school for the first time. 

But this summer Harry had decided to make himself as scarce as possible in a well-meant attempt to give Sirius and Remus space. So much space. Harry’s trio and the extended Weasley entourage had taken to camping trips in the back meadows of the Burrow, where they watched muggle movies and told ghost stories and planned pranks on Percy. Or at least that was what Remus had come to understand. He would also spend days with Hermione at her parents’ house or accompany them on their various outings to places of great literary importance. The Granger’s had been thrilled on the day Remus joined them, when he apparated all of them, including an awkward Sirius, to the Brontë house in Haworth, instead of them having to drive the chunk of hours up north. 

It was considerate of Harry, and Remus was overjoyed to see him so social, as he’d always been a quiet boy. The thing was. The thing was, of course, Sirius. 

And the twenty-three-year history that hung between them. 

They had sat together in May, a day or so after the events inside the Shrieking Shack, on uncomfortable chairs in the MLE department of the ministry. They were waiting for the very scary and piercing solicitor Sirius had hired who would be, according to her very pleasant assistant, just a few minutes. That had been twenty minutes before, of course. But neither of them were in any kind of rush. 

Sirius had not been detained by the ministry but had been placed under Remus’ purview with Dumbledore’s auspices. The general consensus being that Reus wasn’t dumb enough to try and run away with Harry, perhaps the most recognisable wizard in all of Europe. After Dumbledore, of course. 

Dumbledore was why they were here. He had offered to represent Sirius in the upcoming trials, but Sirius had stoutly declined. When Remus asked him, later, in the awkward heaviness of his kitchen in Wales, Sirius had simply brought up the last time he was on trial. “I don’t trust him, Remus” He’d shrugged “Maybe I trust him to save the world, but I don’t trust him to save me” 

“You don’t need any saving, this time. You’re in the clear” Remus had said quietly, half to hear himself say it. 

“Still” Sirius had said, stirring his tea languidly and steadily avoiding Remus’ eyes. 

Now they sat together outside of Araminta Borgin’s office. They had met her briefly over floo, when they asked her if she would be interested in the case. She had grinned like a shark, and when they’d hung up Sirius had told Remus that if there was ever a time to have a Slytherin in your corner, now was it. 

Remus stared at Araminta’s geometric carpet blankly. He hadn’t slept well the night before. He had almost expected Sirius to tell him he couldn’t come, to shake him off like a stray cat. But he’d suddenly stiffened at the kitchen table and looked at Remus head on for the first time since the shack. “You will be there, right?” He’d said, half frantic. 

So of course, Remus had nodded. 

Sirius was stiff beside him, now. Remus had helped him shave his face and trim his hair the night before, but it was still at his shoulder. It reminded Remus of Fifth year. Sirius had spent the whole year growing his hair, with the express intent to piss off his mother. But by summer it was so hot and sticky that he’d lasted two days into a heat wave before he’d emerged dramatically from the bathroom with a near buzzcut. 

“This reminds me of fifth year” Remus explained with a gesture at Sirius’ locks, when he caught Remus staring. Sirius smiled at him tightly but didn’t say anything back. Remus wondered if he still had that memory, or if the dementors had taken it from him. 

They sat in silence for a little while longer, then both spoke, bumping into each other with their mirrored fake casual tones. 

“I thought--” Remus began.

“Do you--?” Sirius asked. 

Then they both stopped, waiting patiently for the other to continue. “You go on,” Remus said, voice abashed. God. Had they ever been this awkward before? Only after the breakup, he answered himself. 

“I was just going to ask if you still had my records” Sirius said, voice quiet. 

Remus blinked twice in quick succession and then he exclaimed “Yes!” With too much enthusiasm, happy to give Sirius good news “They’re in the London flat” 

“What?” Sirius croaked “You still have the London flat?”

“I- yes. Yeah, I rent it out” Remus said, surprised at Sirius white face “Sorry, I just--” 

“No. You just surprised me, It’s fine. They’re at the flat?” Sirius barked, flushing. 

Remus nodded furiously “Yeah. I mean, I keep the linen cupboard locked to guests, and there's a load of our old stuff- I mean, you know. The stuff I didn’t want to see” Remus swallowed “After” 

Sirius nodded, and Remus couldn’t decipher the look on his face. 

“You’re records and a lot of your old stuff. The clothes and that, the stuff you left at mine, ours, after-” 

“After we broke up” Sirius said, filling in Remus' pause. 

“Right” He said, dry mouthed “There’s some things from Lily and James’ house, as well” 

“You saved stuff?” Sirius’ head twisted to look at Remus in shock. 

“I, yeah. But I keep loads of their things at the cottage so that Harry can see it. But the stuff you had while you were staying there, I put at the flat” 

“It must have been hard for you” Sirius said quietly. “To be reminded of me” 

“Harder for you” Remus breathed “In, in that place” 

“You were on your own out here” Sirius went on, as if Remus hadn’t spoken “And, and everyone died. Benjy and Marlene _and_ \- Lily and James. Then Alice and Frank. I mean I _knew_. Bella’s cell was close to mine, you know? And I'd hear her screaming about them. The bitch” Sirius took a shaking inhale “But you were out here, thinking I’d killed them” 

“I had Harry” Remus said lamely. 

Sirius nodded slowly. “I’m so glad-” His voice cracked. “I’m so happy he had you. That he thinks of you like a parent” 

“I always worry-” Remus’ own voice wobbled. He had no one to tell this to, for all of twelve awful and brilliant years “I always worry that James would hate me. Every time that Harry calls me dad I worry” 

Sirius shook his head frantically, turning incrementally on the chair to face Remus “No. James would be so happy. He always knew the importance of having family you could love, who loved you. Blood or not” 

Remus considered, for a moment, telling Sirius about Lily’s plan. But he didn’t want to do that here. 

He thought with an imperceptible shudder of Sirius’ childhood home. “Would you go and stay there? You’re mum died in ‘83, I think” 

“Good” Sirius sighed, and they shared sardonic smiles. Then Sirius frowned “I mean, if that’s—” 

Remus cut him off “Or there’s the flat” He suggested “I have renters booked until August but after—and then there’s always” He stopped himself. 

“Always?” Sirius asked, staring at Remus’ hands which were twisted in his lap. 

“The cottage. You could always live with me” Remus said, failing entirely at keeping the hope out of his voice “If you wouldn’t hate that entirely” 

Sirius looked at him for a long moment, then opened his mouth to speak. But before he could the shining cedar wood door of Arabella Borgin’s office had snapped open suddenly, and she had stood smiling at them both with her shiny shark teeth, asking them if they were ready or not. 

The trial and conviction of Peter Pettigrew, and therefore exoneration of Sirius Black, took roughly one month from start to finish. It culminated with half of the Wizengamot in attendance, and the elating announcement that Sirius Black was a free man and that Peter Pettigrew would never see the light of day. 

And they hadn’t really talked about it, but Sirius had kept staying at the welsh cottage. Remus tried not to put too much stock into it. Sirius surely just wanted to be around Harry, and he definitely didn’t want to go live on his own after twelve years of isolation. Wales was beautiful, Remus told himself. What better place to rehabilitate one’s self?

That was what it was. Although sparks and flames of the Sirius Remus had always known shone through often, it was through a dark cloud covering. Sirius had always been brooding, but before it had been a dramatic petulant sort of gloom. Now it seemed a darkness he couldn’t pull himself out of. 

“Coffee?” Remus asked, as they sat together at another breakfast table Harry had hastily departed. The Granger’s had decided to finally brave the crowds and visit Poet’s Corner at Westminster. Harry’s last remark before he left had been directed at Remus, and in pointed Welsh. _“Talk to him”_

Sirius jumped slightly as Remus spoke, as if he had forgotten he was there. Or maybe as if he had forgotten he himself was there, present and accounted for in Remus’ kitchen. “Oh” He croaked, and then blinked rapidly until some of the cloud disappeared from his face “Yeah, thanks Rem” 

Sirius had always preferred coffee. Mostly because his sleep cycle had always been rather a joke. He had said he did his best work after two in the morning. Then he had fallen asleep in his porridge. 

Remus poured him some coffee from the pot, and Sirius added cream while mumbling a second round of thank you’s. 

Sirius had been calling him Rem a lot. This would have been reassuring if that had been his nickname, but instead every time Sirius said it Remus felt his skin twitch. Perhaps it was the wolf, finally showing an appreciation for that awful nickname years later. Either way, Remus longed for Sirius to say that stupid word again. To smile at him sideways and say _Moony._

Lily would have called him a contrarian, he thinks with a sigh, stirring his spoon so that his milky tea swishes side to side as if pulled by the lunar tide. He’d spent half a year complaining to her after they’d started on with that name, and here he was wishing for it back. _Never know a good thing,_ she would have said _, until you’re lovesick enough to want it back._

And isn’t lovesick the word for it? Remus feels grimy with it. With the romance he feels spilling out of him, the dreamy thoughts and heart wrenching tugs. Because he’s thirty-four and Sirius is still recovering, and anyway it’s been thirteen years, and shouldn’t he be over this by now? Shouldn’t he have grown somewhere in all of that? Between the betrayal and the truth and the child and all of those years. 

The truth of the matter is that Remus had invented a box inside his heart, a third atrium, and he’d placed all of Sirius inside that box and swore never to look at it. Sirius Black wasn’t something you got over; he was something you pushed deep down until you could almost pretend you had forgotten. As soon as Remus had been given the green light on Sirius’ innocence, that box had been flung wide open. 

And he’s nineteen again. And seventeen and fifteen and whatever age he was the first time he saw Sirius and felt his heart tug. Over kippers at the Gryffindor breakfast table, and over toast at the rickety table in Remus’ welsh cottage. The same old story of the boy who doesn’t know better. _You’ve a pit for a heart_ , Remus Lupin.

If he was ever completely honest with himself, which is an event that grows more and more unlikely with every bad life decision he makes, he would admit that it’s swallowing him up. This want. It’s as if he has begun to eat himself from the outside in. Like he’s created a localized black hole right there in the kitchen in the Brecon Beacons. 

No wonder Harry wants to stay well out of it, Remus thinks with a sigh. Harry had always had a high emotional intelligence, and Remus had seen from the year before that Harry was happy enough leaving people to their own emotional squabbles if Ron and Hermione counted for anything. 

“Remus?” Sirius says, and they both pretend diligently that it didn’t come out as a croak. 

“Yeah?” Remus says, his own mouth dry. 

Sirius looks down intently at his half-eaten toast. Remus had burnt the edges. As if Sirius hadn’t been through enough, he now had to attend to Remus’ subpar cooking. “I was wondering,” Sirius said softly, but then stopped himself. 

“Yeah?” Remus says again, trying not to sound pushy. 

Sirius makes a quick face, as if to himself, then his words come out in a rush “If Harry really hates me being here then I can go. I don’t want to kick him out of his own house”

Remus blinks “What?” He says, trying to process “I, what?”

“Come off it” Sirius huffs, tearing at the crust of his toast. There’s black char on his fingers now. “He rushes out of here every morning like he’s got a horntail on his six.”

“Oh” Remus says dumbly, because he hadn’t expected this. He’d thought they had both been quietly understanding the Harry situation, neither of them brave enough to put it into words. 

“I’m sorry” Sirius said quietly, looking at the table steadily “I can go. I don’t want to inconvenience you or” He ran his hand roughly across his face “Or make Harry uncomfortable” 

“You don’t make Harry uncomfortable” Remus spluttered, the idea of Sirius leaving making panic course through him. 

“I know he sent those letters when he was a kid and I mean, it was more than I ever expected-” Sirius went on, ignoring Remus. 

“He wanted to write those-” 

“But obviously he doesn’t want a relationship and that’s fine, that's his choice—” 

“He does!”

“— so I can be out of your hair soon—” 

“SIRIUS!” Remus yelled, and Sirius finally stopped talking, frowning down at the flagstones with flushed cheeks. Remus gaped for a moment, then he said quietly “He isn’t avoiding you, Pads” Sirius jerked slightly at the nickname “He’s trying to be… kind” 

“Kind?” Sirius finally glanced up; eyes confused. 

“He knows about us” Remus said blankly “That we were. Together” Sirius didn’t say anything “He’s trying to give us space” 

“Space” Sirius repeated without inflection. 

Remus sighed loudly, feeling the urge to flee the room. Leave this crime of awkwardness behind him. “He’s very perceptive” 

“You told him about us?” Sirius said, and Remus couldn’t parse his tone. 

“Sort of. He was a sneaky kid” Sirius looked at him questioningly “I kept some photos” Remus shrugged, refusing to blush. 

“It doesn’t bother him?” Sirius asked. 

“Why would it? I raised him” Remus said. 

“He’s probably met your boyfriends, or whatever” Sirius said, eyes focused on a point somewhere to the left of Remus’ face. 

Remus let out a snort “No” He blushed “I mean, there weren’t boyfriends” 

It wasn’t so much that Sirius had a reaction. More that he had such a none-reaction that it was as telling as if he had flinched. “No one?” 

“No” Remus said quietly “I had a kid to raise” 

“Right” Sirius said quickly. 

“And I wasn’t exactly good company” Remus said slowly, “I had, _have_ , a lot of baggage. As you know” 

“You deserve to be happy. With someone” Sirius said, voice firm. 

Remus was quiet for a long moment, and it stretched between them the way all of the many, many years apart did. “But the person I wanted wasn’t exactly available” 

Sirius laughed harshly “You thought I was a killer” 

“I thought it was a fact” Remus conceded “It was something I knew, that you were a murderer and a Death eater” Sirius twitched “But it still wasn’t something I could fully believe. I couldn’t think of you and know it at the same time. It didn’t fit” 

“You thought I was innocent?” 

“No” Remus said slowly “I just thought I was crazy. Or desperate”

“For?” Sirius said, and his eyes were closed as if he was bracing for something. 

“For still loving you. Still wanting you” 

Sirius nodded, shifting restlessly in his chair. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, shaking his head firmly. He looked at Remus head on, eyes intense. “I need time” 

“I’m not asking for anything” Remus said softly. 

Sirius nodded again; face drained of any colour. Then he got up swiftly from his chair and walked out of the back door without another word.

Remus stared up at the stars, fingers moving lazily across an old scar. It was after dusk, a day after his confrontation with Sirius. All had been quiet on the western front. Awfully quiet. Sirius had barely spoken a word to him.

Remus shifted, sighing, and re-adjusted the cushions on the garden chair he was sat upon. It was a warm night, as warm as nights got in Wales. Meaning he still had a light cardigan on.

Harry was upstairs in his room, reading or more likely talking to Hermione on the telephone. He wasn’t entirely sure where Sirius was, and hadn’t seen him since late afternoon when he had ‘gone for a walk’. It was true that you could walk for hours around the house, taking in the beautiful countryside. There were a hundred trails and side trails to find yourself conveniently lost upon. Really, there was no where better to go when you wanted to think through a problem and conveniently avoid your ex at the same time.

That was the problem, wasn’t it? Remus had ended things with Sirius well before he’d gone to Azkaban. Before any of the horrid tangle of tragedy that plagued them had unfolded, Remus had already given up. Sure, Sirius left. But Remus had been the one to tell him to get out. Had been the one to avoid him and give him the barest civility. Those last years he’d only been in real constant contact with Lily.

There was the pain again. For James and for a Sirius that hadn’t been buried under twelve years of trauma. He had wasted so much time. But that was the horrid twist to hindsight; Remus should have spent those last two years clinging on as tightly as he could, but how could he have known, really? That keeping his heart at arm’s length wasn’t a temporary solution, one he could fix when the war was well shot. He had wasted his finite time.

That was the hate that lived at the centre of his grief. Hate for Peter and for himself. For the universe and whatever balance sheet it kept. He should have been able to take that time for himself. There shouldn’t only have been only twenty months left on the clock after he shut the door on Padfoot’s retreating back.

Merlin. That was the trick of it. Why grief could keep him choked up and gasping all these years later, when his life had moved on and become something good, if not fragile. He should have had more time.

Sure, the world wasn’t fair. They drilled that into you. The world didn’t owe you a thing. But Remus couldn’t help thinking it did owe him. What had it been for? What terrible thing was keyed into his very existence that made everything that had happened to him equal and justified and okay? Bitten at five years old, goddamn it. Almost thirty years later and he still had the nightmares.

Hope had moved to a new house after his father had thrown in the towel. The other cottage, the one Greyback had stalked that night, had been a few miles from Aberystwyth. But he can still remember the water feature in their garden, and how he’d gone away inside of himself while Greyback sunk his teeth in. He had stared at the moss-covered statuette of a toga clad woman, maybe Athena, and he’d told himself in no uncertain terms that he was anywhere but here. It was only after his father had gotten the creature off of him that the pain had flooded in. Even the odd, calm voice that had taken over hadn’t been able to soothe him and he’d started screaming. For Hope or for his father or for even bloody Athena in the garden to save him. To save him from the monster.

Sixteen years later he’d screamed as well. All saint’s day, that was the name for November first, right? Well Remus had placed the strongest silencing charm he could around his flat and he’d read and re-read Dumbledore’s letter until the words swam, and went over and over the words Dumbledore had told him in person when he’d barged into his office shouting, and when the words still wouldn’t coalesce into any kind of sense he had screamed. Trying to get the swirling monster of grief out of his belly.

_Lily and James compromised. Sirius was the spy. I am deeply sorry for your loss._

He’d only been twenty-one. At the time he had felt old enough, but really, he had been close to a child still. They all had, regardless of how the war had forced them to twist into some amalgamation of adulthood. Kids in soldiers’ uniforms. And soldiers’ shackles and coffins, too.

In the end there was no explanation for grief, no scale of justice that could balance it out enough to feel fair. There had just been a little boy who’d looked a lot like his dead parents and who’d start crying if you put him down. _Mama_ , Harry would sob, _want mama!_

Where was the justice in that?

His hands found the old scar again, even as his eyes found Sirius in the sky, shining brightly as always. It wasn’t a thick scar, just a stark white line across his forearm. Almost like a stretch mark.

 _Give me your arm,_ Lily had said softly. She hadn’t looked soft. Her red hair had been piled on top of her hair, and she was some strange Stevie Nicks spectre, lightning in the air around her. She looked the way muggles sometimes imagined witches. Connected to the earth.

Remus has given her his arm. They had gone somewhere rural, a strange dark wood. All of Lily’s equipment had been there, a cauldron and an iron dagger and a thousand other things she hadn’t explained the meaning of. There had been no goat, in the end. But there had been blood.

One long even wound along his forearm. Lily had squeezed the blood into the cauldron, which had turned bone white, and then onto the earth around him.

 _How old is this magic, Evans?_ He’d said in alarm, because everyone was afraid of magic that made you give blood to the earth, weren’t they?

 _Old enough it might just fucking work,_ She’d said, and handed him the iron dagger so he could do the same to her.

It had worked. They’d done some kind of diagnostic spell, one used by father’s who wanted to make sure a child was theirs.

 _Sisters_ , Lily had joked, but there had been a bare kind of relief in her eyes.

Maybe they had taken too much that night. Magic like that had a price. The earth took back. Maybe Lily’s life had been the cost, and Remus’ happiness. But Harry was alive. That was the awful thing, or the great one. Harry was alive and happy and protected. Which was worth every tragedy, Remus thought, though he knew Harry would disagree.

Remus sighed, tearing his eyes away from the sky. He stared at the back gate a while longer, but it didn’t seem as if Sirius was going to show his face any time soon. He sighed again, getting up and ignoring the creak in his bones.

There was only so long you could stare at the stars and wish the world into fairness.

“Remus?” A tentative voice said from the doorway. Remus startled from the half sleep he had been drifting into, suddenly awake. He blinked slightly; the room still lit by one dying candle. The figure in the door was blocking all of the light from the hallway. Sirius, not the scrawnier Harry.

Remus half pushed himself up half-way on his elbows, still clearing dregs of sleep from his consciousness. “Yeah?”

The door creaked as the figure shifted, coming a bit more into the room. “Can we talk?”

Remus is still for a moment, brain frozen in a frantic sort of scream. Then he shifts quickly, pushing his blankets off and sitting up. “Uh” he splutters “Er, yeah. Of course. Come in?” He closes his eyes briefly and flushes “I mean, uh, we can go somewhere else to talk, that’s fine. I don’t mind.”

The light comes on and Sirius stands clearly there, hand resting on the light switch. He raises his eyebrows slightly. “We can talk here, Remus. I don’t mind”

Remus nods jerkily, raising his thumb to bite at his nail before realising his nasty habit and lowering it again. His hands fidget in his lap.

Sirius grimaces awkwardly and messes up his har, shifting form foot to foot. “Er, do you mind?” He asks, gesturing at Remus’ desk chair.

“No” Remus says quickly “I mean yeah, of course, take it”

Sirius gives him a small smile and pulls the chair out, sitting on it backwards so he’s facing the bed. It’s so _Sirius_ it almost makes Remus want to cry.

“So” Sirius says, then doesn’t say anything else.

“So?” Remus hedges, attempting a joking tone.

Sirius smiles tightly “I mean. What am I meant to say?” He flinches. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean. I really, really have no idea what to say”

“Or how to say it?” Remus guesses.

“Yeah. I mean—” Sirius cuts himself off with another wince. “I need to stop saying that”

“It doesn’t matter, you know” Remus says quietly “I’m not grading you on oral performance” Remus says, and then blushes furiously when Sirius’ eyebrows shoot up at the innuendo.

Sirius laughs “I know it doesn’t matter” He shrugs. “But it does, doesn’t it? You’re my best friend”

“Even after I left you in Azkaban for twelve years?” Remus says, trying to tease. But it comes out flat.

“Even after I thought you were the traitor with no evidence” Sirius volleys stubbornly.

“I thought you were the traitor too” Remus argues.

“You had evidence”

“I didn’t! I was just dumb enough to go along with it” Remus protests, shaking his head.

Sirius looks at him seriously. “You were raising Harry. That’s way more important than me. Or anything”

“You should have been the one raising him. You’re his godfather” Remus says bitterly “And you aren’t—” He cuts himself off. Tries not to open that particular wound.

“Aren’t a werewolf?” Sirius says darkly. “You were his godfather, too”

“As a joke” Remus insists. “Lily was high”

Sirius laughs “By your doing, I seem to recall. She said it before God, or whatever”

“She doesn’t even believe in god” Remus cried, incredulously. He’d almost been grinning, but the expression melted off his face as soon as he realised what he’s said “Didn’t” He corrected, dully. “How has it been thirteen years and I still get that wrong?”

“She was larger than life. Larger than death, as well” Sirius shrugged.

“She’s been dead longer than we knew her” Remus says cruelly.

Sirius winced. “They aren’t gone form us. Not completely”

“They’re dead” Remus spits, then blanches. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be horrid” He ducks his head “But I was alone with the grieving for so long. Sometimes I felt so awful, for being as sad as I was. Harry doesn’t even remember them, Sirius. Jesus. He knows their faces and the stories I tell him, but what does he have of them really? The only person he’s ever had is me and I’m—”

Sirius slammed the butt of his hands on the top of the chair, face furious “An excellent father!”

“A poor substitute for James and Lily” Remus says, and feels the hot tears on his cheeks.

“I’m sorry” Sirius says, shaking his head “But you’re wrong. He’s so like them, Remus. And that’s because of you. You raised him to be as free and loving and funny and kind. Just like them. He’s like you too. You’re his dad, Remus. James would be so proud and so grateful” His voice cracks “James would want you to love yourself enough to see that”

“How can I love myself, when I know everything I’ve done wrong?”

“Taken an infant in when he needed a family? Dumbledore told me he tried to foist him off on Lily’s awful sister. You gave him an amazing life” Sirius insisted, looking at Remus intently.

“Not Harry! Harry is the only, the _only_ good thing I have” Remus laughed bitterly “I’m a mess, Pads. I take everything good given to me and twist it. Dumbledore gave me an education and what did I do with it? I complain but when have I ever taken a stand for werewolf rights? No, I smoked away in that flat listening to records instead. Mulching off everyone I knew. And _you_ ” Remus stops, and the word hangs heavy in the air.

“You aren’t responsible for what happened to us” Sirius said calmly “I didn’t fight for us either”

Remus doesn’t quiet the sob fast enough, and it escapes his throat in a garbled croak. “Why? Why weren’t we worth fighting for?”

“You always” Sirius laughs, shaking his head. But his eyes are wet and there’s a twist to his mouth. “I mean, you act as if we weren’t at war. Remus. We _were at war”_

Remus doesn’t answer him, bringing his hands to his face and wishing desperately that he could go back to shoving his feelings away.

“Did you love me?” Sirius says, and Remus looks up at him in shock. Sirius just stares at him steadily, the chair balancing on its front two legs as he leans forward. “Seriously. Did you love me? Even when we were fighting”

“What? Yes, of course” Remus stutters. He licks his lips “Desperately. I loved you more than anything”

“Was it enough?” Sirius asks. “Did it make you stop suspecting me?”

Remus’ mouth is dry, he shakes his head slowly “I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry, Remus” Sirius implores “I loved you too, monumentally. For years and years. And I still thought it was you. Did you know Lily and James were asking each other security questions every time one of them came back in the room in the last few months? They were so paranoid. And Dorcas hadn’t seen Marlene for a month before she died because Dorcas refused to tell her where she was staying” Sirius laughed twistedly “He tore us all apart. Each one of us. And we were so young, too. We loved and loved and that didn’t change the nature of war”

Remus looks at him for a long time. They sit in silence together in Remus’ bedroom, metres apart but each lost in different recollections. _Love didn’t change the nature of war._

“You sound like Lily” Remus says lightly.

Sirius gives a half smile “Well I suppose her cynicism was catching”

“She was a realist” Remus corrects, the same lofty way she always had.

Sirius barks out a short laugh. “She was the grouchiest person I’d ever met, that’s for sure”

“’Like an inconvenienced cat’” Remus said, quoting James.

“He was always mental” Sirius said, shaking his head “But I suppose not as mental as she was, for giving him a chance”

“You could never imagine them working well until you saw it with your own eyes” Remus notes, smiling.

“I suppose we were the ones everyone was expecting” Sirius says, quietly.

“Wasn’t there a bet?” Remus laughs “Like, James rigged the whole house into this betting pool”

“I still say keeping it secret for the first few weeks was worth it” Sirius grins shakily.

“He lost twenty galleons” Remus exclaims, but he can’t help laughing.

“You weren’t complaining! You liked the espionage, I reckon” Sirius teases, and for a second it’s like being seventeen again.

“Sirius” Remus says, and he half says it just because he loves the sound of Sirius’ name on his tongue. _Sirius, Sirius, Sirius._

“Yeah?” Sirius says, with this soft half smile.

Remus gives him a look. Holds out his hand.

The legs of the chair hit the floor with quiet thumps, and then there’s a skid as Sirius shoves the chair out of his way.

He’s across to the bed in a few short strides. He stands in front of Remus for a moment, looking down at his proffered hand. Remus almost feels idiotic for holding it out.

But Sirius bypasses the hand completely, and instead his hands find the sides of Remus’ face, tilting him upwards, and it’s lucky Sirius has always been so short because it’s easy enough for Sirius’ lips to crash into Remus’. Not crash. To fit perfectly, lock and key.

Remus kisses him desperately for a long time and it’s charged through with a simmering sort of pain. Like anger and happiness in equal and disparate parts.

When their lips separate, Sirius face remains hovering close to his, foreheads pressed together. Remus realises that at some point Sirius had dropped to his knees, and Remus is looking down at him. His hand is tangled in Sirius’ hair, and he caresses it now. His stupid, beautiful hair.

“We haven’t really talked about anything properly” Remus points out, as Sirius runs his knuckles repeatedly back and forth on Remus’ cheekbone.

“Talking is for nerds” Sirius laughs, breathlessly.

“I’m a nerd” Remus points out, but he steals another kiss from Sirius anyway. They meet in a quick serious of small, lingering pecks.

“You were always a slacker, if we’re honest, Moony.” Sirius says, hand cradling the back of Remus’ head.

Remus laughs, thinks fuck it. “You’re right. I’m terrible” He says, pulling Sirius up onto the bed with him.

Healthy communication be damned.

**iii. Dragons and Mermaids and Werewolf Father’s, Oh My!**

“Oh, my wizard fucking Jesus fucking god” Remus says desperately as he reads Harry’s latest letter.

“What?” Sirius asks, turning from the stove so quickly that he brings the whole skillet of half cooked eggs and bacon with him. He brandishes it at Remus frantically “What is it this time? Chimaera?”

“Mermaids” Remus groans, letting his forehead thump against the tabletop.

“Fuck” Sirius yells, and there’s a sound like eggs and bacon and an iron skillet hitting the floor “Fuck!” Sirius says again, and Remus raises his wand blindly and casts a cleaning charm at the floor. That’s magical knowledge you only learn from raising a bossy three-year-old, Remus thinks sourly, then he thinks about that three-year-old getting drowned by angry mermaids and he thumps his head again.

“They’ll kill him! They’re way worse than dragons” Sirius cries dramatically, and Remus hears a thump as if Sirius has flopped moodily into a kitchen chair.

“He has Hermione?” Remus tries, raising his head and giving Sirius a vaguely optimistic look.

Sirius just raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow at him. “Can even the great Hermione Granger really combat the pissy-ness of mermaids?”

Remus sighed, this time slumping back into his chair. “You’re right.”

“Maybe we’re thinking about this wrong. I mean, Harry is pretty sassy”

“Lily’s genes run strong” Remus conceded.

“He could out piss them” Sirius says hopefully.

“Let’s hope he doesn’t actually try and challenge them to a pissing contest” Remus groaned.

“Lily would’ve” Sirius points out.

“And if we’re lucky, he inherited James’ sense of self-preservation” Remus says. He manages to maintain eye contact with Sirius for a full ten seconds without cracking before they both burst out into laughter.

After they’d calmed down, both still gulping in air, Remus says “Oh, lord. He’s screwed”

“I can’t believe he actually thought they’d be left down there” Remus mutters to Sirius, as they watch their godson accept his points.

“Now that is all you” Sirius says “He never would have been so literal with rules if I’d raised him”

“A maze?” Remus frowned, cleaning his reading glasses and placing them back on, as if that might change the contents of Harry’s letter.

Sirius snatches the letter from Remus’ hands. He reads it himself “A maze? Mazes are tame”

“The third task being the tamest, though?” Remus frowns.

“I suppose they can show a lot of prowess, or whatever” Sirius shrugged. “Maybe Dumbles and Crouch ran out of ideas”

“A likely story” Remus said snidely “Anyway keep reading, Harry say’s he had a weird encounter with Crouch”

Sirius sighed, reading on with a deepening frown “Fucking ministry”

“Mother fuckers” Sirius cursed, both of them having flown to their feet as soon as the flash of a portkey appeared. They glance at each other once, before they’re charging their way through the stands, fighting to get to Harry and the—

The body.

Remus pushes the _oh god_ feeling deep down. But images flow through his mind anyway. Benjy Fenwick. The Prewetts. Lily’s description of Marlene. _He cut her fucking throat with a severing charm._

Someone, maybe Ludo Bagman, catches Sirius, trying to hold him back, but Remus rushes on through.

“Harry” He cries out. Harry looks up at him desperately. In his arms is the still body of a boy Remus doesn’t know. But he knows from the Hufflepuff robes that it must be Cedric, the other Gryffindor champion. “Oh, Harry” He says softly.

“Da” Harry croaks, but he’s cut off by yelling.

“My boy!” A man yells, voice wrenched with awful pain “My boy, _no_ ” The man pushes passed all of the officials, collapsing at his son’s body side with heaving sobs and cries.

“Harry” Remus repeats, striding closer. He tugs Harry upwards, and Harry lets go of Cedric’s body with reluctance. Cedric’s father engulfs the boy’s body, holding him tight and sobbing.

Harry looks dumbstruck. He looks at Remus with wild eyes “I- Remus. Remus. He’s back”

Remus’ blood runs cold. “What?” He says, and then Sirius is with them, hands out as if to engulf them both in protection.

“Voldemort’s back” Harry chokes out, and all the blood rushes to Remus’ ears in a pounding crush just as on Sirius face all of the blood drains away.

It was happening again.

  1. **You Can’t Ever Go Back, But It Can Come Back for You.**



_Dumbledore’s dead_ , the Patronus said and Remus jolted so violently that his ink pot knocked over, his whole parchment staining blue. He stared at the ink spreading blankly as the Patronus went on- _Get here as soon as you can. There’s been a fight._

Remus surged to his feet and was about to twist on the spot when he realised, he was actually still in his pyjamas. He cursed but didn’t want to waste any time. He just grabbed the longest travelling cloak they had from the back of the kitchen door, and then twisted in apparition still pulling it on. The comfy worn sandals he wore to combat the cold floor would have to do.

He materialised in front of the Hogwarts gate. He sighed but sent a signal up that he was there. Filch shuffled into view ten minutes later, frowning.

“I know you” He said assessing.

“Yeah. I taught here a few years ago” Remus said impatiently “Let me in”

It took a full five minutes of persuasion, but eventually Filch opens the gate, and then Remus was off running, leaving the caretaker shouting after him.

He didn’t care. He had to make sure Harry was alright. He pushed the entrance doors open harshly and found the front hall empty. That wasn’t unusual as it was late. Remus stared at the stairs that would lead him up into the castle indecisively, then he cursed again.

He pulled a mirror out of his pyjama pocket and cast the spell. “Come on, come on” He muttered, hoping Harry would have the mirror on him.

After half a minute the mirror vibrated, and Harry’s confused expression appeared. “Remus?” He asked, and his voice was raw with upset. Remus’ heart wrenched. He’d had the same look of grief for weeks after Sarah had died.

“Where are you in the castle?” He asked brusquely.

“I’m—” Harry blinked “The hospital wing”

“Right” Remus said, feet already moving. “I’ll be a minute or so” He said, already ending the connection and tucking the mirror away. He began to run, moving quickly in the direction of the hospital wing.

Remus pushed the double doors to the wing open with two hands, striding in without aplomb. Several heads turned to him in shock. Remus assessed the room quickly. Weasley’s and order members, mostly.

Then he spotted Harry. He was sat on an empty bed next to Ginny Weasley, shoulders slumped.

“Oh, thank god” Remus said, walking over purposefully and pulling Harry into a hug “You aren’t hurt”

“No” Harry squirmed slightly, but relaxed into Remus’ embrace “Remus I’m fine”

“What the hell happened?” Remus said, looking up at the rest of the room who were tactically looking at the floor so as to give them space. He noticed that the bed they were all crowded around was that of Bill Weasley. Remus gaped at the thick bandages on Bill’s face “Jesus”

“Death eaters infiltrated the castle” Fleur Delacour answered, sniffing. She was dabbing some sort of ointment on a shallow scrape on billy cheekbone.

“You’re kidding me” Remus said, eyes flickering to anyone else as if it might be revealed that Fleur just had a particularly dark sense of humour.

Arthur stared back at him calmly “Afraid not, Remus. A student managed to let a group of Death eaters into the castle. About three hours earlier”

Remus looked at Harry with questioning eyes “Draco Malfoy” Harry answered, without further prompting. “I was right. He’s a Death Eater. He was tasked with killing Dumbledore”

“Fuck” Remus cursed and ignored Molly’s disapproving tut. He had been researching into the Malfoy’s outside of the castle, trying to either prove or disprove Harry’s suspicion. “And Dumbledore?” He said weakly, not having forgotten the Patronus’ words.

“Dead” Harry said, voice wracked with grief. “But it wasn’t Draco. Snape finished the job when he couldn’t. I watched it all” Harry set his jaw “I couldn’t stop him. I’m sorry”

“Harry” Remus admonished, pulling him back into a hug “This was not your fault. In no universe was this your fault”

Over Harry he looked at Arthur again “And there was a battle?”

“A fight in the corridor” Bill said with a weak smile “Some order members and a few students” He gestured vaguely at the students clustered in the room, Harry and his friends Remus surmised. The DA he’d formed the year before despite Remus’ protests. “Greyback was here” Bill gestured to his face.

“Oh, merlin” Remus blanched “Were you--?”

“Not bitten” Molly said fiercely, but her eyes were red rimmed “But obviously—”

“Any wound inflicted by a werewolf is cursed” Remus answered blandly.

“It’s not as bad as all that” Bill said bracingly, even as Fleur made a scolding noise. “Scars are cool, they tell me”

“You mean Charlie tells you” Tonks laughed, and Remus gave her a strained smile of greeting. Surprised she was there. But she was an Auror, he supposed.

“Why wasn’t I called” Remus asked tensely. “I should have been here”

Harry sighed and shook his head “We didn’t call everyone” He pointed out “And besides—”

But Harry’s besides was cut off by the sound the hospital wing door swinging open again “Besides I didn’t want you in danger” A falsely upbeat voice said. “is that my cloak?”

Remus turned around and smiled weakly at Sirius, eyes assessing him for any injury. “I could have helped keep you safe, nitwit” He scoffed, and Sirius swept him up in a half hug, then ruffled Harry’s hair affectionately. “Call me. Always”

“It was pretty fast” Harry said, quietly. “I hardly had time to get Sirius from his rooms” Sirius had been acting as DADA teacher that year, which had so far been an experience in sneaking in and out of the castle for late night visits and trying to stop Sirius form murdering Snape. But they had both wished to avoid a repeat of Dolores Umbridge.

Sirius and Remus shared a worried look. How was Harry going to cope with losing his mentor?

“Bella was here” Sirius said, immediately giving Remus the rundown. “And Greyback. The Carrows if you remember them. Then Yaxley, Gibbon and Rowle. And our old friend Crouch Jr.”

Remus sighed. Crouch had escaped them at the end of the last year, disappearing into Voldemort’s ranks without a struggle. They’d been left to find Mad-eye in a trunk and to piece the whole story together by themselves.

“What are we going to do?” Harry asked, looking at them both imploringly. “Without Dumbledore?”

“Dumbledore wasn’t the only person in this fight” Arthur said kindly, sadness clouding him as it was everyone in the room. “This is not the end of Light”

Harry still looked tense.

Remus winced. Over the last few years he had been learning more and more that he couldn’t make everything better for Harry the way he had when Harry would get upset as a child. There were no mere scraped knees and broken toys anymore. Only a year earlier, Sirius had almost died, but ducked barely in time to avoid a blazing green curse shot at him by Bellatrix. Remus had been fighting at his back and had helped deflect her attack while Sirius had gotten his head back in the fight. But there was a war surrounding them from all sides, and it would affect Harry just as it had affected them as teens. And so much worse.

Remus sometimes looked at Harry and could hardly breathe through his pride. He was so much braver and more mature at sixteen then Remus and Sirius had ever been. Rising- as much as Remus hated that he had to- to his tasks with greater and greater responsibility.

“Call me in” Remus snapped, returning to that suddenly as the wave of parental fear washed over him “Call me in, overtime”

“I don’t want you to get hurt” Sirius argued, frowning at him.

“That isn’t your call. We need to be in it together, to hold each other’s backs as well as to look out for Harry” he said, and Sirius flinched. Maybe he was remembering Bellatrix’s green curse as well.

“I’m sorry, but—” Sirius began.

Remus shook his head fiercely, aware that everyone was trying awkwardly to distance themselves form the spat “I’m serious- _don’t make a joke-_ I want to be able to protect you”

“And I’m not allowed to try and protect you?” Sirius pointed out, incredulous.

“It wouldn’t be protecting me if you died and I could have stopped it” Remus snapped “I would die, Sirius. If anything happened to either of you and I could have prevented it”

Sirius stared at him slightly open mouthed, eyes swimming with some emotion Remus didn’t understand. Then he barked out a harsh laugh “You’re mental” He said, pulling Remus into a kiss with a dark chuckle.

Remus was surprised. Of course, Harry knew, but they weren’t exactly open around the rest of the Order. In fact, Molly had been trying for most of the last year to get Remus to notice Tonks, for some reason. Or pushing Sirius and Fleur together as if that might stop Bill and Fleur from getting married. Remus pulled back from Sirius after a moment.

He frowned at him suspiciously “We banned distracting each other with snogging” He pointed out. They had been trying open communication for the last three years, with varying success. They both had a habit of snogging (and more) to avoid emotions.

Sirius laughed again “I was snogging you in affirmation” He said, and then looked around the room with a smirk.

Remus looked around as well. Moly was gaping rather openly. But everyone else was either torn between laughter or discomfort. Harry was bright red.

“Please stop doing that in front of me” He groaned. “We signed a pact”

“Sorry. We owe you a galleon” Remus conceded.

“You get a galleon every time your parents snog in front of you?” Ron yelled, looking disbelieving. He looked at his own parents accusingly. “I’d be rich!”

“You don’t understand” Harry shuddered “The _regularity”_

Everyone laughed at that, but the mood dropped quickly. Remus recognised that symptom of war. A mood could come and go quicker than waves coming in. Always torn between fleeting beats of happiness and the horrors of reality.

The room settled into companionable and contemplative silence. From the somewhere in the distance of the grounds, a phoenix began to sing.

  1. **In the Forest.**



“Harry?” Remus called softly, and his godson stopped in his tracks, swaying lightly. Remus wondered when the last time he’d eaten was. He wondered a lot of things about Harry. He wondered where he’s been, why he hadn’t trusted Remus with his mission. Why the only contact they’d had before the battle was an action filled visit to Godric’s Hallow at Christmas, which had ended with them separated again.

Remus had arrived at Hogwarts hours earlier, along with everyone else who had received the call. He and Sirius had left their safehouse and crawled through the odd tunnel into the Room of Requirement. A room Remus had only ever used to snog Sirius when Peter and James were in the dorm. Now it was being used as a safe house or a war room or something in between the two. Remus mourned all of the kids he saw around him, even as they still stood living. Their innocence was long lost to them.

And it was likely some of them were now dead. He had seen faces he’d known from teaching them lying still and spread out in the great hall. But Remus had slipped away from Sirius, who was mourning his cousin’s too-young death, as soon as he’d seen Harry walking away from the Weasley’s on his own.

He’d followed him across the body strewn ground, even after Harry had put his cloak on. Remus had watched his heel dart in and out of view as he walked, too tall for the cloak just as James had been at that age, and followed that. But he’d pulled it off to talk to Ginny Weasley. It was now that Remus stopped him, at the edge of the forest.

“Da” Harry said, sounding broken.

“Don’t go” Remus choked, because he’d known where Harry was headed but he’d wished, desperately, that he’d raised a worse person. A child who wouldn’t walk into a forest to face his own death if it meant saving everyone _. I wish you’d gotten self-preservation from just one of us,_ he thought absurdly. But no child of Lily Evans and James Potter was ever going to save themselves, first. “You can’t go” Remus insisted, even as he knew how little effect his words would have.

Harry turned to him; eyes creased in pain. He stared at Remus, and Remus knew that he had tears dripping down his face. That he was begging. Harry just stared back at him, face even. “Will you walk with me? So, I’m not alone”

Remus let a choked sob through and tried ineffectually to wipe the tears from his cheeks with a rough hand. He thought about that first year alone with Harry, how he’d worried that the early trauma would affect Harry permanently. But every specialist he’d been to had crowed about his progress. And Remus would stare into his cot at night and think, _what a miracle._ “Harry. Please”

“Please” Harry said, shaking his head “Just walk with me?”

Remus covered his eyes with his hand, steadying himself. And then he straightened, schooling his face as best as he could. He walked forward and took Harry’s hand in his, and then he waited until Harry began to lead the way into the forest.

They were a few metres into their silent death march when Harry stopped abruptly. Remus thought for a moment that they might be able to turn around and walk right out of the forest, but Harry just pulled an old snitch from a moleskin pouch around his neck. He blinked at the snitch for a long moment, and then pressed it to his lips.

“What--?” Remus asked, as the snitch fell open. Harry pulled a stone out of the snitch, a scratched up black stone. He stared at it for a long moment, then he looked up at Remus with a twisted expression.

No. He wasn’t looking at Remus. He was looking behind him.

“Mam” Harry exhaled painfully, and Remus spun around jerkily.

Lily stood there, all of twenty-one and as wild as she had been that night she’d convinced Remus to perform a ritual in a forest much like this one. But she was paler here than she ever had been in real life, a vague transparency to her.

“You’ve been so brave” She told Harry, her pale green eyes blazing into his.

Next to her stood James. He was staring at Harry with hunger in his eyes. “Harry. You’re so close.” He said, softly. Then he looked at Remus with burning eyes and smiled. “My friend” He whispered “Remus”

“Thank you” Lily said to him, but then her eyes were all on Harry. Drinking in a son she had only had fifteen living months with.

“I’m sorry” Harry said to them, voice hard with emotion. “I’m sorry that I have to do this”

“We’re so proud of you” James said, shaking her head.

“We love you so much, kiddo” Lily said lovingly.

Harry nodded fiercely “I love you two. So much” He choked back a sound “you’ll stay with me?” He asked, staring at Remus as well.

“Until the very end” James said, speaking for all of them.

“They won’t be able to see you?”

“We’re here for you” Lily said simply.

Harry nodded. He looked at Remus “You’ll be there as well?”

“For as long as I’m able” Remus promised him.

Harry looked at his mother.

“Stay close to me” He said.

Then they were moving through the forest again. Harry and all of his parents.

They stopped when they began to hear the noise of the death eater camp. Until the chill of dementors was upon them pressingly. Harry looked at him with desperate eyes “You have to go back”

Remus wanted to say no. To tell him he would stay right there. That he would die with him. But he knew Harry would never allow that. And a part of him couldn’t bare to leave Sirius alone.

Remus gathered Harry up in a tight hug “I love you more than anything on this earth” Remus told him in welsh. “And the next, and the next.” He pulled back from him. “Will you try to come back for me?” he asked desperately.

Harry laughed quietly “I will.” He straightened fiercely “ _Rwy'n dy garu di_ ”

“I’ll walk with you the rest of the way” James said. “Lily will take Remus back to safety”

Harry nodded. He looked at his mother for a long moment, and she at him. But they shared no more words. Just a quiet bond of desperate love.

Harry passed the small black stone to Harry, and Remus felt him watching as he began to walk away. With every step he felt more and more of his heart being left behind in the forest. This is what the earth takes, he thought wildly. It always takes a cost.

He feels Lily at his side but doesn’t look at her. Neither of them speak.

As they near the tree line, Remus finally stops. He looks down at the stone in his hand blankly, turning it over and over. “What is this?”

“A resurrection stone” Lily said simply.

“Could it bring you back? Fully?” Remus asked.

“Not without a price” Lily said.

Remus nodded bleakly. Magic and its prices, he knew them well. “Do you hate me?” He said, surprised when the question bubbled out of him like a gasp.

Lily laughed; a bitter mocking laugh he hadn’t heard in years. Too many lonely years. “Yeah” Remus winced, but Lily snorted “Only because you raised my kid Welsh and ‘cos you’re still such a dumbass. But mostly I just love you, nitwit”

“I miss you” Remus choked, finally meeting her eyes “All of the time”

“Every time you smoke weed, I bet” Lily joked, and Remus laughed wetly shaking his head.

“I missed you every time Harry did something I wanted to share with you. Every time I heard a northern accent or saw red hair. Every time I saw something funny or someone being an idiot. Every time I felt like being brutally honest with someone.”

“That was our speciality” She said quietly. Remus can’t bare it, suddenly, her being so young when he is weathered and lost. She seems even further from his reach then he could ever grasp. “You were my best friend”

“And you were mine” Remus whispered. He took a steadying breath. “Did it work? The protection? Did I do it right?” Remus asked.

Lily laughed “You loved my son, Remus. What else could I have wanted? You raised him into a kid anyone would be proud of”

“I’m letting him die” Remus choked, looking into the gloom of the forest.

“He’s making his own choice” Lily said, calmer than he would expect. “Life finds a way, Remus”

He stared into her pale eyes, and then nodded. They stood in silence for a long moment. “Do you remember the time you _bombarda’d_ a stone because someone pissed you off?” He asked suddenly, remembering an incident in fourth year.

Lily grinned, scrunching up her nose “Which time?” She said, with genuine confusion.

Remus laughed, the sound coming as a surprise even to himself. “I’ll always wish you were with me” he admitted. “And I’ll always hate you just a little bit for leaving me alone. You knew, didn’t you? That you were going to die.”

“It was pretty likely, I thought, It’s what I based my plans on” Lily smiled at him softly “But you can do it on your own, numpty. Alright?”

Remus nodded bracingly. She grinned at him one final time, for one single moment as solid and burning as if she really were right in front of him.

“It was worth it, wasn’t it?” She laughed. “The whole damn mess of our lives. For that gorgeous boy” She winked at him “And you have to admit it, we were both pretty fecking outstanding”

Remus just smiled at her. This outstanding person he had been missing for years. Like a part of him chopped off. But she wasn’t really gone. Nothing as pedestrian as staying dead and gone for Lily Jane Evans. She would always be with him.

So, Remus dropped the stone to the forest floor. And turned to walk back to the castle on his own.

**Epilogue: A Clarification of One Remus John Evans Lupin.**

He would be okay. For Lily. He would be okay.

 _No_. He would be outstanding.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you! The welsh Harry speaks to Lupin at the end translates to I Love You. what a sap.  
> i don't own any media mentioned in here.  
> If you're interested you might want to check out my fic 'That'll Be The Day' which is about a time-travelling Harry who's actually terrible at it. as he would be. i promise i will go back to writing that now.  
> please leave a comment if you enjoyed! Thank you again.
> 
> My tumblr is @fondwand


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